9x08 El ABC del Satanismo - Complete Recap

Episode 112 - El ABC del Satanismo (The ABC of Satanism)

By Dr. Bekelauer
Picspam and additional snark by Piper

Deker is doing the introductory speech. He is explaining, point by point, the real story of the Satanic plot line, with forensic exactitude.  There is some sort of a 3-person committee listening.

Deker Narration: And here I am, wearing the same tie I wore to my family’s funeral, five years ago. And I don’t know whether to A) try to convince the Ministry of Interior deputy secretary that the facts we’re dealing with are not paranormal, when I don’t believe in it myself anymore; B) leave the room to fight the first case of possession and exorcism ever to occur in this precinct, or C) go undercover to Tarragona to find the three nuclear warheads that the government is hiding from the nation, when the only thing I want to do is get out of here and kiss the first woman who has left me completely fascinated and defenceless since disgrace tore my life.

And there you are: the ABC of Deker.  The End.  Nah, just kidding.

Reyes: Deker? Are you all right?
Deker: Yes. Let’s begin.

LHDP Intro

Povedilla knocks on Paco’s house all worked up and points a gun at DL, asking him to say the Lord’s Prayer. Mariano hears the ruckus and comes out of his flat. Seeing him, Pove asks him to say the prayer as well.  Pove argues that whoever is possessed would not be able to say the Lord’s Prayer and he just needs to check. But DL is total ace and smacks him on the back of his neck and makes him drop his gun. HAHA! DL scolds him with some proper vintage insults and Pove says “Oh, then it’s you for sure, DL”. Pove is afraid that he has rescued the girl hanging from 2 episodes ago, who happens to be a novice, but inadvertently sent Paco to hell instead.

Piper's Vocation Lesson:  There are several steps before one can become a nun.  First is postulancy; this is where a person (i.e., postulant) petitions to become a member of a religious community.  She may live in a convent or in a community with nuns, but is not really a full-pledged member.  The postulancy usually lasts a year.  The second step is novitiate; this is a period of training and education often overseen by a Novice Mistress.  Different religious communities have different time requirements, although novitiate usually lasts 2 years.  After a novice has been deemed ready, she professes her 1st (temporary) vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience.  Some orders tact in an extra 4th vow: Vow of stability for the Benedictines, hospitality for the Little Sisters of the Poor.  Now that the novice is a nun, she begins her ministry or take further education, but, per Canon Law, must make her final vows between 3 to 6 years or leave the order.  Once a religious has made final vows, it is much more difficult to leave - there's usually period of exclaustration before dispensation from Rome is given. 

Reyes is in DL’s office when Salgado walks in, telling her they are in trouble for interfering with a CNI mission. Reyes says nonchalantly that they went there following a tip related to the satanic case and the mission went off course. Reyes is total hotness and looking down at Salgado, who’s not giving in. Salgado is using the non-formal pronouns, indicating total disrespect for an inferior officer – but she’s taller than you, you moron!

Aitor is with the scientist guy in the shooting gallery.

Aitor: Look, we really risked a lot last night arresting the CNI. We had to release them this morning, so right now they’re going to be looking for you. I’m offering you personal security, a safe house... until we find out who the fuck is behind this mission. Until the danger is over, that is.
Scientist guy: Are you gonna force me to stay?
Aitor: No, we can’t. You’re not arrested.

Pepa is outside with Deker, who's removing the hidden wires / mics hidden in the dude's clothes.

Pepa: Deker, I think that...
Deker: Shhhh...! When the search for microphones is over, conspiracies, ornamental cubes with nuclear warheads, satanic fugitives, and undercover missions... I’m not trying to say I don’t like illegality, I love illegality... just that when this is all over, I would love to show you my collection of postcards. (Translator’s reaction: HAHAHA!!) Huh?
Pepa: You have a collection of postcards?! I’d love to see them... but I’m a lesbian, Deker. (Translator & Piper: What sort of an answer is that? You can’t see his postcards cause you’re gay? Or maybe all gay people are prohibited from looking at postcards?)
Deker: I know.

Aitor: There’s nothing to do. We have to let this dude go. I’m telling him they’re going to shoot him, and he still wants to leave. He doesn’t trust us, he’s scared shitless.
Pepa: Look, Aitor, he’s our fucking insurance. If this guy disappears, it’s going to be you and me getting shot in a fucking alley.
Deker: He’s not the insurance, per se, but the information he possesses. You have to get him give a statement, codify the declaration, put it in a safety deposit box, and send it to a notary, so it can go public in case one of you two dies (Translator's note: Is it me or is ATPP going to kill Pepa in the season finale? Because hearing it from Deker sounds... really scary.)

Salgado is trying to offer Reyes the possibility of protecting Aitor if she tells her where the scientific dude is. Since Reyes is not collaborating, Salgado and the CNI dude are going to search the precinct. So Reyes phones Aitor.

Aitor: Talk to me.
Reyes: Aitor, Salgado is in the precinct, she’s going downstairs.
Aitor: Pepa, Pepa...

...I hear silent whisper

And I know you're close

I watch your shadow linger

And I feel your ghost...

Salgado walks in the shooting room and sees Aitor, Deker, and Pepa doing some target practice.

Deker: The room is booked until 10. You can sign up for the next hour or go to the target practice El Pichón [Translator doesn't think that’s a real place].

Scientist dude is hiding in a box or something.  Salgado stares at Pepa, Aitor, and Deker, knowing scientific guy is somewhere but she doesn't know where, then proceeds to leave because she knows she's lost this round.  Pekaitor 1, CNI 0.  She bumps into Reyes, they exchange loaded looks, Reyes smirks, then Salgado leaves in a huff.

Reyes proceeds to talk to Deker while Pepa and Aitor help out scientist guy from his hiding place.

Reyes: Deker, come with me. We have an hour until the Interior deputy secretary and the Chief of Police arrive. Yesterday’s arrest has gone out and they are wondering why a local precinct looking for Satanic cannibals ends up interfering with a CNI mission . They want to get us out of the case. We have an hour to explain to them and show them that there’s nothing out of the ordinary in the investigation.
Deker: Yeah, look, don’t know if you care or not but I have in my hands the recording of a document of national security regarding nuclear warheads...
Reyes: You’re going to come with me, you’re going put on the smartest suit you have, and you’re going to explain to the Ministry people the A, B, and C. No levitations, no ectoplasms, no paranormal bullshit. Because otherwise we’re going to have to explain to the Captain why the FUCK they want to get us out of the case!!

Reyes storms out.

Deker: It’s all good. While I help decipher the ABC of Satanism, my assistant can help you. My dear Watson.
Win-E: At your orders, Doctor.
Deker: He is the apex of security. He is like a suitcase, but with a gun.

Aitor goes to comfort Reyes, who tells him that she’s not going to let him go to jail. Deker sees all the snogging and wishes he was snogging Pepa (this is not said, but we know that’s what he’s thinking).

Nice cleavage, Pepa!

At the lab, Mariano, DL, Curtis, Pove, and Rita are with the novice, who is still looking off but acting normal nevertheless. Everybody tries to comfort her but Pove is rather worked up. DL tells them that they have to go find the man who raped Mama Cannibal, aka Satan’s father. DL tries to interrogate the nun, but she can’t remember much, just flashes of Satan’s father (but they don’t know that).

Deker and Reyes start analyzing the case with their forensics theories. This is a good summary for whoever hasn’t watched the show this season but can’t be arsed going through seven episodes of pure Satanic crap and a super hot top class agent. They get to the part of the painting with blood on the ceiling.

Reyes: What about this?
Deker: It reminds me of a night I spent with a girl, looking at the stars. But it didn’t work out.
Reyes: I thought you were more interested in lesbians. And I, for now, am not one. ("For now" being the operative phrase)
Deker: Come on, Inspector, one can’t tell the difference in the darkness.

They keep working on their theories. Thirty-four minutes to go. 

What a MILF!

Aitor and Pepa brought scientist guy to Aitor and Mariano’s flat.

Scientist Guy: The project went ahead in Germany. On 15th November 1995, we took a direct flight from Oslo to Frankfurt, to examine the plutonium coming from the ex-Soviet republic of Uzbekistan.
Aitor: Right.
SG: Can I go to the toilet?
Aitor: Sure. Over there.
Pepa: Win-E, this information is vital, you have to protect it. Our lives depend on it.
Win-E: It’s saved in my memory slots. Nobody can access it without the password.
Pepa: I know, but it might happen that someone will try to steal it from you, at any cost. Win-E, you get what I’m trying to say?
Win-E: Should I save all the data or delete the inaccurate information?
Aitor: What?
Win-E: “On 15th November 1995, we took a direct flight from Oslo to Frankfurt, to examine the plutonium coming from the ex-Soviet republic of Uzbekistan.” Oslo airport was closed from the 14th to the 15th Nov 1995, due to a snow storm. In addition, Mr Nieto [the scientist] does not appear in the passenger list of any flights scheduled that week.

Pepa: He’s lying to us, he’s totally lying to us, Aitor!
Aitor: I don’t know, Pepa, I don’t know. Maybe he got the dates confused .
Pepa: Yeah, maybe he got confused with some dates and now he just made up the flights, come on, for fuck’s sake!
Aitor: You don’t trust him and he doesn’t trust us. What the fuck do you want to do? The guy wants to fuck off, what do we do?

Pepa’s got the crazy lesbian solution to everything – a nice blow on the back of the head to knock SG out for a while.  Poor dude doesn't know what hit him.

Aitor: Fuck’s sake, Pepa! Win-E, don’t record this, man, don’t record this. Delete it, come on. Blows with gun butts... no!
Pepa: Don’t record kidnappings either.
Win-E: Yes, agents. At your orders.

You know Win-E is recording something else...

The weird nun-wannabe tells DL that she was in the trunk of a car for three days. Satan has soaked her legs in blood and an animal licked them, and other sorts of Satanic stuff we don’t care about. Mariano walks in with information about Damián Sr. Eight years ago, he was in a multiple car crash, and Paco and Mariano were there helping out to rescue and assist the victims. Paco happens to be a universal donor, so you join the dots. Yes, you are right, Satan’s father has Paco’s blood in his system. Then the nun-wannabe tells DL he’s going to receive a phone call and of course he does. She’s already possessed, I think. It’s the Guardia Civil, somebody found Paco’s phone at the coach station.

This scene is just Deker and Reyes but they talk about Pepa – plus it’s HILARIOUS.

Deker: We are already like a pretty family. You’re wearing trousers and I’m bringing you lunch.
Reyes: Thanks, but I’m not hungry.
Deker: Ack, well. I forgot that when people are in love, they lose their appetite. Because you are, huh?
Reyes: How have you come to that conclusion?
Deker: A) Agent Carrasco is a sex symbol here in San Antonio, B) no one risks his job organising a fake undercover mission if it’s not out of love, and C) I just saw you in the coffee room. Unless there’s a strong wind in that room, there were more than words there.
Reyes: It must have been the wind then, because just the other day I saw you with Agent Miranda, and you weren’t really talking either. Why are you so cold, Deker? Why do you speak with so much sarcasm? The only time I saw you being a bit more human was yesterday.
Deker: I must have been pretending.
Reyes: No, someone who has lost his family five years ago does not pretend. You are simply scared of affection. And if Agent Miranda can take you out of there, ten points for Agent Miranda.
Deker: I would have to improve my cunnilingus a lot.  (Translator's juvenile reaction: BWAHAHAHA!)

Then they talk about the second victim.

At Paco’s, Salgado is trying to relax. I don’t know what the point of that scene is – I kinda got the feeling she was about to touch herself though! HAHA! (Perv? Who? Me? Nah!)

Pepa, who is next door, has effectively kidnapped the guy.

Pepa: We are the only thing standing between you and a fucking CNI bullet. So just give me a reason to get myself off the middle and hand them a fucking liar like you. I’m gonna give you just a chance. You’re going to tell me the whole story. Again. But I want it in reverse. You start with the end, and finish with the beginning. If you forget something or you skip a step, you lose.

Povedilla is with Linda Blair, who shows him the inscriptions on her legs and wants them to do el chiki chiki. EWWW. DL walks in and wants to check the novice's ink.

Reyes and Deker are still analyzing the mysteries of the Satanic plot.  Deker pulls out news clips about incredible feats done by ordinary people during extraordinary circumstances, like the mother who lifted 8 tons of crap to save her kid, or a 5-year old who survived 2 floors of debris.  Humans are capable of inhuman accomplishments.

At the house, science guy is not coming out great.

SG: I don’t know, maybe we didn’t leave Oslo, or... Copenhagen, I don’t know, at that time we flew almost every other day. But I must have it written down, let me check it. I swear I wasn’t lying to you.
Aitor: Would you please take it easy? Look, you’re pointing your gun at a guy and you have no fucking clue whether he’s innocent or not! What are you gonna do? Tell me... You gonna kill him there, on Mariano’s rug? What’s this about? Kidnappings or assassinations, again?
Win-E: I shouldn’t record this either, right?

In Paco’s bedroom, Salgado finds Pepa’s goodbye letter to Paco and starts reading it.

Pepa: This is about nightmares. And about not only having to carry the guilt of killing El Gordo, but that every night before I go to sleep, I close my eyes... and I see him (i.e., El Gordo), and not my pelirroja. And ever since then, every day, when I wake up, I feel worse than the day before. That’s what this is about. And it’s about the fact that I am beyond salvation, that’s why I need to save you, that’s why I need this fucker to tell me why the CNI wants to kill him, because I have to stand against my sister-in-law to see if I can save my best friend’s ass. That’s what it's all about.

 
Salgado breaks down crying after reading Pepa’s goodbye note.

Pepa and Aitor are having a girl talk because they're BFFs.

Aitor: I’m going out with Reyes.
Pepa: Is that true?
Aitor: Yeah. Given we’re now best friends, I might start telling you my private things.
Pepa: Right. I hooked up with Deker.
Aitor: You fucking kidding me? What are you telling me, are you going back in the closet?
Pepa: Oy! No, but sometimes it’s easier to hook up with a guy.
Aitor: That for sure.
Pepa: Nah. Plus I am not ready to hook up with a girl yet.

Salgado locates Pepa’s phone using GPS.

Win-E: GPS system found. The phone model LG KP500 it’s been tracked.

DL checks the novice’s marks from her leg up to her bare ass. What were they inking on her?  A fucking novel? Paco shows up. He is apparently fine. When he tells Pove and DL what happened, the novice repeats the same words as spoken by the devil. Bit possessed, huh?

Deker concludes there’s no supernatural case. It was about time somebody said that in this show, seriously.

Salgado is being picked up by her CNI mate and they’re about to break into Mariano’s.

The possessed novice is out of control. Pove, who was the lucky recipient of her blood puke earlier, looks like the day Sabinica was born, his face all covered in blood.

Pepa: Let’s see Win-E, have you saved everything?
Win-E: I have activated protocol A-36 for classified information. And I have deleted your personal affairs.
Aitor: If anything should happen, if we get shot, you send that video to all mobile phones in the precinct: Castro, Miranda, everyone...
Pepa: Win-E, can you do that?
Win-E: Of course.
Pepa: Good. Send the video to newspapers, to courts... they might want to come and destroy you.
Aitor: Let’s see, in 20 minutes we can be in Barajas. We get you a ticket to the fucking South Pole and you don’t show up around here for the rest of your life, right?
SG: Yeah.
Aitor: Pepa, get the car keys.

Knock on the door.

CNI dude: CNI! Open the door!
Pepa: I’m not gonna let you take him.
Salgado: I’m sorry, Pepa, but I don’t think you’re in a position to negotiate. Search the house, go see if there’s anybody else here. Go check if there’s anybody else!

At the lab, possessed girl is going all mad. Paco asks her where Satan is. And she answers “In Hell...” then turns to DL and says “...with your daughter, that bitch”. Excuse me? First she rips off a line from The Exorcist and then she calls Silvia a bitch? Give me a hammer and I will finish her off, thanks. 

Mariano, Rita, and Curtis arrive at the geriatric residence where Damián Sr. stays. It’s clear, as we can see, that this is the dude who is possessing the crazy novice, as we keep having back and forth scenes of him and her interacting.

Salgado: I didn’t want this to end up like this.
Pepa: And how the fuck did you want this to end, Marina? What did you think? That I was gonna shoot an innocent guy in the head and then sleep well at night? Eh?
Aitor: Pepa, drop your gun.
Pepa: Did you know this guy was innocent? Did you know?!
Aitor: Pepa, drop your gun! Lower it, fuck, lower it.
Salgado: It’s not I who gives the orders, Pepa. There are people over me, in charge of national security, and they are the ones give the orders.
Pepa: Sure, and what do you do? You execute them? No, you send somebody else to do the dirty work. Your sister-in-law, for example, or whoever has made a fucking mistake and has only her life to offer. That’s good enough for you. Her life or her friends’ lives. But you know what, Marina, you have a problem. We have saved this man’s formal statement in a very safe place...

CNI is looking in Aitor’s room but finds nothing. Win-E is hiding in the closet among Aitor’s clothes.

Win-E: That was close.
Pepa:... and if I die, or Aitor dies, you and your fucking Centro Nacional de Inteligencia are going to hell.
Aitor: Pepa... Pepa!
Pepa (gives Salgado her magnum): Shoot. Shoot me, fuck’s sake!

At the lab, Deker finds the explanation to the problem: everyone has been hypnotized. Paco is raging saying she’s possessed by Satan and that everything can be explained just because Satan exists and he is behind all that. Suspenseful intermittent scenes between Mariano's flat and the lab.

Pepa: Shoot him, come on, kill him. Do your fucking job.

Pepa still wearing her wedding ring

Mariano realises that Damián Sr. is indeed Satan’s father. So then we have established that Damián Jr. is Satan. Good. Deker injects muscle relaxant to the novice, who seems to calm down, and yells that there’s nothing paranormal about the case. But then Satan’s dad has another card to play, possessing the novice again and pretending to be Deker’s dead daughter. Deker succumbs to that and comes close to the novice, showing her his bare neck (You don’t do that when a hungry cannibal family is possessing a girl, do you??). So of course she grabs a chunky bite of him.

Pepa: Kill him, and then go and tell your boyfriend.

So Salgado shoots the man.

Salgado: Get out, get out!!

Salgado takes her gun and shoots outside and fakes a shooting rather than an execution, then takes a knife and cuts open the guy’s arm to remove what looks like a SIM card – you killed him cause you needed a new number? Nah, surely it is some GPS tracking device, or a microfilm, or something.

Better fake blood than prior seasons...

And the final scene is the same as the first one.

Deker: And here I am, wearing the same tie I wore to my family’s funeral, five years ago. And I don’t know whether to A) try to convince the Ministry of Interior deputy secretary that the facts we’re dealing with are not paranormal, when I don’t believe in it myself anymore; B) leave the room to fight the first case of possession and exorcism ever to occur in this precinct, or C) go undercover to Tarragona to find the three nuclear warheads that the government is hiding from the nation, when the only thing I want to do is get out of here and kiss the first woman who has left me completely fascinated and defenceless since disgrace tore my life.

NEXT WEEK!

Everybody seems to be smoking pot, very vintage LHDP. Fair enough, because Pepa hits on Reyes, telling her, in the sexiest of ways “I prefer them with sensual lips and high heels” – and the best part is that Reyes seems to be playing along! And Reyes and Lis seem to be hugging a lot too – threesome anyone?

But then we also have the CNI plot, in which Salgado is trying to incriminate Pepa in the assassination of the scientist guy. Can’t wait to watch it!

Piper's commentary:

Best things about this episode:

• Pepa with a gun
• Win-E who's better than all the newbies, and
• NO NEWBIES!!!

Deker seems to be falling in love with Pepa, which is setting him up for a heartache. Because Pepa can only be tamed by Silvia.  At this point, I think Pepa is simply existing, saving what she could, correcting the wrongs, and simply counting the days until cancellation she's with Silvia once more.  Deker was a fudge brownie, a tub of ice cream, a facial... manicure and pedicure - something to comfort Pepa and nothing more. 

And what can I say about Salgado?  I really, really liked her when she gave Pove his medal.  She was a picture of bureaucratic hotness, like a naughty librarian who doesn't know yet that she's naughty. And now here she is, another victim of the ATPP™ Character Assassination Department. Because only they could take this hot bureaucratic librarian quadriculada and turn her into a hormonal, love-crazed putty with extremely evil tendencies. 

And of course this clusterfuck of a season will not be complete without an Exorcist rip-off!  I mean, isn't it the motherload of all creepy satanic movies, from whence appeared other creepy satanic rip-offs like The Omen, Exorcism of Emily Rose, etc.?  If Deker and Reyes are already trying to find empirical, logical explanations for this case, I'd leave it up to them and cease and desist my speculations.  Why? My IQ drops 20 points each time I try to explain this season which I can only assume is ATPP™ 's leviathan fuck you to all of LHDP's remaining loyal viewers.