BMF'S FOOD COLUMN!

Absence...what absence?... I dont know what you are talking about Dr.Piper *runs to Angies cow barn to hide*

Good evening my darling students! You will be pleased to know I am back from rehab and all my AA meetings have been going very well so I will not show up to lectures smelling of vodka! You may ask me why I have been getting so drunk?? Well the truth is, as the new season draws nearer, I get sadder because my darling Silvia will not be making an appearance…However, the best way to get over a heart break is to enjoy one of the many pleasures in life …FOOD..or clotted cream to be precise! As you all know, I have a slight obsession with Clotted cream. There is sooooo much you can do with the stuff (including spreading it on various areas of various bodies).

In this lecture, we will be cooking with it, not using it in kinky sex games, vale?? I have emitted scones from this lecture for the obvious reason that azwombat posted a recipe on the thread already.

Three ways with clotted cream…

1. Slow baked clotted cream rice pudding
    (does that sound sensual or is it just me?)

25g butter100g short grain pudding rice450ml full-fat milk ( no skimmed RUBBISH...I hate the stuff, it should be banned from supermarket shelves)
284ml pot double cream (ok so this recipe is not great if you are on a diet...)
227g tub clotted cream ( running for 5 hours will help burn off some calories)
1 split vanilla pod
85g golden caster sugar
freshly grated nutmeg

Heat oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4. Lightly butter a shallow ovenproof dish. Wash the rice well under cold water, then drain. Bring the milk and creams to the boil with the vanilla pod, add the rice and sugar, then stir well. Tip the rice into the prepared dish, then grate a little nutmeg over the top. Dot with knobs of butter, bake for 15 mins, lower the oven to 160C/fan 140C/gas 3, then bake for 1 hr more, by which time the pudding should be golden brown on top and creamy underneath.

2. Clotted cream splits
    (again these sound dirty)

150ml pot natural yogurt
3 eggs , beaten
1 tsp vanilla extract
175g golden caster sugar
140g self-raising flour1 tsp baking powder
100g ground almonds
175g unsalted butter ,
melted raspberry jam
raspberries clotted cream

Line a 12-hole muffin tin with paper cases and heat oven to 190C/fan 170C/gas 5. In a jug, mix the yogurt, eggs and vanilla extract. Put the dry ingredients, plus a pinch of salt, into a large bowl and make a well in the middle.

Cut the tops off the cupcakes and set aside. Spoon a dollop of raspberry jam on top of each one. Top with a few raspberries and generously heaped teaspoons of clotted cream from a 550g pot. Put the tops back on( nooooooo, all tops should stay off in my opinion), then dust with icing sugar to serve.

3. Blackberry and clotted cream shortcake

FOR THE CAKE300g self-raising flour
1 tsp baking powder
140g butter , chilled and cut into small pieces100g golden caster sugar
75ml buttermilk
1 egg , beaten

FOR THE FILLING
500g blackberries
3 tbsp golden caster sugar
275g pot clotted creamicing sugar , to serve

Heat the oven to 190C/fan 170C/gas 5. Tip the flour into a mixing bowl with baking powder and a pinch of salt. Add the butter, rub everything together with your fingers to make a reasonably fine crumbed mixture, then stir in the sugar. Make a well in the middle of the flour mixture, then tip in the buttermilk and egg. Gently work the mixture together until it forms a soft, sticky, dough. On a lightly floured surface, knead the mixture a couple of times and mould it into an 18cm round. Put the dough on a lightly greased baking sheet. Bake for 30-35 mins until golden and risen and a skewer comes out clean when inserted into the middle. Leave to cool.

For the filling, lightly mash the blackberries with the sugar. Split the shortcake in two and spread the bottom half with the clotted cream. Spoon the mashed berries over the cream, then top with the shortcake. Dust with icing sugar and serve in slices. Add the yogurty mix and melted butter, and quickly fold in with a spatula or metal spoon - don't overwork it. Spoon into the cases (they will be quite full) and bake for 18-20 mins or until golden, risen and springy to the touch (haaaaaa). Cool for a few mins, then lift the cakes onto a wire rack to cool completely.

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN!

SA-WA-DEE-KA !!!!

So I finally managed to get over my post holiday
depression (it took a while) and am back to deliver my weekly lectures! I have noticed that some students are lacking in the food knowledge department *cough Cela cough* and I blame myself as the teacher. This year I am stepping up my game!

So as most of you know, I took a long trip to my favourite country in the world, THAILAND! This was my 8th visit and by golly, the food gets better every time I go. There Is ONE basic rule you need to follow, to ensure your Thai food tastes authentic. There must be a perfect balance of hot, salty, sour, sweet and spicy. If you get all those elements right, then well done you!! The ultimate ingredient to use in Thai cooking is Thai basil, it is god dam sensational in fact I think Adam and Eve (Silvia would have made a beautiful Eve by the way) should have hidden their "private parts" with Thai basil leaves instead of fig leaves!

So the conundrum I faced when writing this lecture was picking ONE Thai dish to teach to you all. It took me 1 hr 46 mins 33 seconds to decide upon which beloved dish to choose ( Ok so 1hr of that time was spent re-watching Pepsi Vids and googling Marian) but I chose what I consider to be a household favourite and an absolute classic.

Oh and one more thing before I begin. I know in a previous lecture I said I was in love with pumpkins. Well let me just tell you something, pumpkins do not measure up to my all time favourite ingredient EVER. Can anyone guess what it is?? No? Anyone?? Ok I will tell you….it’s the COCONUT!!

Student ( the hot one in the front row) asks.. " Why, oh why BMF, do you like coconuts so much?"
My answer, "That is a very good question. I like coconuts because they are incredibly versatile. You can use EVERY part of a coconut. The hair from the husk can be used to make brushes or even used by birds to make nests. The shell makes wonderful furniture, bowls spoons etc. It can also be used to make coconut Bikini tops which would look bloody amazing on a certain red head. The flesh can be eaten as it is or pressed to make coconut milk or cream(the main constituents of Thai cooking) and the coconut water can be drunken."

Ok time for the recipe..

THAI GREEN CURRY WITH PRAWNS

Ingredients for curry

A large bunch of asparagus
1/2 a fresh red chilli
1tbsp groundnut oil
1tbsp sesame oil
400g king prawns, raw, peeled
1 x 400ml tin of coconut milk
A handful of mangetout
1 lime
Ingredients for paste.
2 stalks of lemongrass
4 spring onions
3 fresh green chillies
4 cloves of garlic
A thumb-sized piece of fresh root ginger
A large bunch of fresh coriander
1tsp coriander seeds 8 fresh or dried lime leaves (optional)
3tbsp soy sauce
1tbsp fish sauce

METHOD TO MAKE YOUR GREEN CURRY PASTE

Trim the lemongrass stalks, peel back and discard the outer leaves, and crush the stalks by bashing them a few times with the heel of your hand ( which hurts if you have delicate hands like mine!) or a rolling pin( I highly recommend this option, it is a great stress reliever)

Trim the spring onions. Halve and de-seed the green chillies. Peel and roughly chop the garlic and ginger. Set aside a few sprigs of fresh coriander, and whizz the rest in a food processor( or if you have had too many coffees or redbulls, use a pestal and mortar) with the lemongrass stalks, spring onions, chillies, garlic, ginger, coriander seeds and lime leaves , until everything is finely chopped . While whizzing, pour in the soy sauce and fish sauce and blitz again until you have a smooth paste.

TO MAKE YOUR CURRY
Snap the woody ends off the asparagus and discard them.
 
Run the stalks through a runner bean slicer, or finely slice them lengthways with a knife. Finely chop the red chilli and put to one side.

Place a large pan or wok over a high heat. When it's really hot, add the groundnut and sesame oils, swirl them around, then carefully drop in the prawns. Add the asparagus and your green curry paste and stir-fry for about 30 seconds. Pour in the coconut milk and add the mangetout. Give it all a good stir, bring to the boil and cook for a few minutes. Have a taste and add a bit more soy sauce if you think it needs it. To get the limes juices going, apply pressure to it and roll it around, then cut it in half. Squeeze the juice into the pan.

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN!

The Cabin Seduction menu......
Proof (photographic evidence) that this menu works.

There are some things in life that are worth cooking. This is one of those meals. I don't need to point out the obvious that this meal was designed by Pepa for seduction purposes and by golly it worked!! It is what I like to call the GSCIB (get Silvia Castro in bed) meal. Believe me when I say that if all I had to do was prepare some prawns and ham to see that woman naked, I would get the best god dam tiger prawns and Jabugo ham money could buy and sprint over to Casa de Silvia to personally deliver them! I thought I would give you a little background info on Jabugo ham because there obviously is not a recipe to follow, you just open a pack and I hope to high heaven that everyone is capable of doing that!

 What are the main characteristics of Jabugo ham??

• The optimum weight for an Iberian pork ham which has been cured in the drying room and cellar for between 18 and 30 months is 5.5 and 8 kilos ( approximately the amount of weight I put on over the festive period)
• The ham must have the typical V-shaped cut of the Spanish mountains, with the serrated pelvic bone.
• The fat must be greyish-yellow with a soft consistency.
• There must be a brand of origin, by which the origin and breeding of the animal can be identified.(I like to think of this as a meat tattoo!)

I could give you plenty of recipes using this fine ham, but Pepa just served it with wine and prawns and ended up in bed with the best looking woman in the world…so if that’s good enough for Silvia, its good enough for me!!

I will however give you a recipe for a wonderful Spanish prawn dish where simplicity is the key. The name is highly original….Spanish baked prawns.

Ingredients

300g raw king prawns , peeled and butterflied

a small handful of parsley , chopped

a large pinch of chilli flakes

2 tbsp olive oil

2 garlic cloves ,

thinly sliced 2 tbsp dry sherry

Method

Heat the oven to 220C/fan 200C/gas 7.

Divide the prawns, garlic, chilli, sherry and olive oil between 2 small ovenproof dishes. Cook for 6-8 minutes until pink and sizzling.

Sprinkle with the parsley and serve with crusty bread.

Now, I would suggest serving a dry fino sherry or a crisp manzanilla to go with these dishes. You may end up getting rat assed, especially if the woman you are in love with decides to tell you she has been with 40 women, but hey, life is for living!

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN!

Ho ho ho, Christmas is upon us which can only mean one thing…. TURKEY! I think not. I have a serious hatred for turkey and all things turkey related. I can hear you all shouting abuse at me , but listen to my reasoning first OK? Turkeys are so god dam cute for a start, I love the way they gobble and also, my little brother was mounted by a horny turkey which just makes me love them even more! A turkey tastes like a watered down chicken gone wrong and WHY OH WHY would anyone eat turkey when you could eat a BEEF WELLINGTON! That is why I will be providing alternative recipes for that all important Christmas lunch. This recipe is also dedicated to a very special lady, the universities founder and leader Dr.Pied Piper (don't get mad but I am changing the recipe as I have provided alternatives at the bottom!)


Ingredients

A seriously good, well hung 1kg Piece of beef fillet( Aberdeen Angus is dam tasty but a personal favourite of mine is Kobe, mainly because the cows have so much fun being massaged before they die)

3 tbsp olive oil

250g chestnut and wild mushrooms

50g butter

1 large sprig fresh thyme

100ml dry white wine (PM, refrain from drinking it all before it goes in to the recipe!)

12 slices prosciutto

500g pack puff pastry ( There is NO shame in buying it these days! I mean, seriously, have you tried making your own?? It takes days!!)

A little flour, for dusting

2 egg yolks( need I say, they must be free range? No didn't think so!)

Method, also known as the SILVIA way.

Set the oven to 220C/fan 200C/gas 7. Sit the beef on a roasting tray, brush (I like to massage the oil in with my hands because I love the feel of a nice, soft, well rounded….) with 1 tbsp olive oil and season with pepper, then roast for 15 mins for medium-rare or 20 mins for medium( NO ONE SHOULD EAT BEEF MEDIUM,DAM IT ALWAYS RARE!!). When the beef is cooked to your liking, remove from the oven to cool, then chill in the fridge for about 20 mins.

Instead of twiddling your thumbs while the beef cools, I suggest you begin chopping the mushrooms as finely as possible so they have the texture of coarse breadcrumbs. You can use a food processor to do this, but make sure you pulse-chop the mushrooms so they don't become a slurry.

Let 2 tbsp of the oil and the butter heat up in a large pan and fry the mushrooms on a medium heat, with the thyme sprig, for about 10 mins stirring often, until you have a softened mixture. Season the mushroom mixture, pour over the wine and cook for about 10 mins until all the wine has been absorbed.

Very often, the mixture is still too wet( Yes I get the dirty innuendo, Booker don't get too excited!) after this amount of time so keep evaporating until it holds its shape when stirred. Remove the mushroom duxelle from the pan to cool and discard the thyme. Overlap two pieces of cling film over a large chopping board. Lay the prosciutto on the cling film, slightly overlapping, in a double row. Spread half the duxelles over the prosciutto, then sit the fillet on it and spread the remaining duxelles over. Use the cling film's edges to draw the prosciutto around the fillet, then roll it into a sausage shape, twisting the ends of cling film to tighten it as you go. Chill the fillet while you roll out the pastry.

If you really can't be bothered to measure the pastry with a ruler like me, then just role out a huge square of pastry and whack the beef in the middle, minus the cling film!

Apparently, this is considered the fun part of the dish, where you wrap the beef up like a christmas present. I personally think eating it is funner!Glaze all over with egg yolk and, using the back of a knife, mark the beef Wellington with long diagonal lines taking care not to cut into the pastry. Chill for at least 30 mins and up to 24 hrs. Heat oven to 200C/fan 180C/gas 6. Brush the Wellington with a little more egg yolk and cook until golden and crisp - 20-25 mins for medium-rare beef, 30 mins for medium( don't bother cooking this dish if you have your beef medium!). Allow to stand for 10 mins before serving in thick slices.

Now Dr.Piper and I have had many discussions about beef wellingtons and as alternative fillings, we suggest using blue cheese or liver spread although blue cheese is a winner in my books!

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN

Chicken Enchiladas

Some of you may ask me, "Why are you teaching us to cook so much random mexican food BMF?" and my reply is always the same. I don't see the point in lecturing if my students are not going to pay attention. I know for a fact that chicken enchiladas are a staple diet for most members of my class and no matter how much I disapprove of Mexican food, I can't deny that it has a special place in many people's hearts. I also get quite hot and bothered writing about it and my red hot tiger temper (what does that even mean?!) comes out to play which is always fun!


BMF'S top five reasons for making chicken enchiladas

1. Sexy time (because lets face it, fiery finger food is the way to a woman's heart)
2. Everytime I think of Mexican food, I think of Silvia swigging a Corona, and boy can that girl swig! When her lips wrap around the top of that glass bottle, I pray to the heavens that one day I will be reincarnated as a beer.
3. They are saucy, meaning sauce gets everywhere and anywhere and that's hot.
4. They are spicy, get your taste buds tingling, your heart beating faster...
5. see point 1.

Ingredients

• 1 small onion, chopped
• Vegetable oil
• 2 small cloves garlic, minced
• 1 14.5-ounce can tomatoes, preferably fire-roasted if you can get it
• 2 Tbsp red chili powder
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/2 cup to a cup of water
• 12 corn tortillas
• Grapeseed oil, peanut oil or canola oil - a high smoke point vegetable oil
• 2-3 cups of cooked chicken, shredded or chopped
• Salt
• 2 cups grated cheese (about 1/3 lb)

Method
Preheat the oven to 350°F (the same temperature you would expect to be if you were getting frisked in a parking lot)

Prepare the sauce. Sauté the onions in a skillet on medium heat until translucent. Add the garlic after a couple of minutes. While the onions are cooking, purée the canned tomatoes in a blender. Add the tomatoes to the onions and garlic. Bring to a low simmer. Start adding the chili powder to taste( I add a LOT because I love spicy food).Add a teaspoon of sugar( or get Silvia to dip her finger in it) if necessary to cut down on the acid from the tomatoes.As the sauce simmers, dilute it with water to keep it from getting too thick as it simmers. Remove from heat.

Mix in 1/4 cup of the sauce with the cooked chicken, and a 1/4 cup of the cheese. Sprinkle with a little salt. Set aside.

Heat up the tortillas by either frying them (for those with a super fast metabolism like Kalike) or putting them in the microwave. I like frying them because I love fat and I am not ashamed to say it!

Assemble the enchiladas. Use an 8x12 inch baking dish. Place a couple spoonfuls of the chicken mixture in the center of a tortilla and roll it up. Place in the baking dish and repeat until all dozen of your tortillas are neatly placed in rows in the casserole dish. Cover the tortillas rolls with the remaining sauce.

Sprinkle with the remaining grated cheese.

Place in the oven and cook for 10 minutes, or until cheese is bubbly.

Serve with thinly sliced iceberg lettuce that has been seasoned with vinegar and salt (no oil), guacamole or avocado slices, and sour cream. Garnish with Jalepenos!

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN

"El Chikki Chikki" Menu

Firstly I would like to apologize for such a late food column. I am a bad lecturer who spent too many hours in the Pepsi U bar last week, mainly because my own supply of alcohol was stolen from my house on campus by an individual who shall go unnamed (*cough PM*). Also, this food column may not be my finest as my concentration skills were depleted by the constant playing of a certain controversial song which shall also go unnamed.(*cough el shitty shitty*). Now luckily for me, there is actually a cuisine that makes delicious food called "Chikki" and it just so happens to be one of my favourite cuisines, Indian!

Chikki is a traditional Indian sweet that combines groundnuts sugar, liquid glucose and jaggery. In England, this type of sweet is referred to as brittle and there are many different varieties, named according to the ingredients used such as puffed/roasted bengal gram, sesame, puffed rice, beaten rice, and dessicated coconut. If you are cooking to impress( which I am always doing, because cooking is my secret weapon and without it, I have NOTHING), then cashews, pistachios and almonds can be included in the recipe. This recipe is NOT rocket science and is so easy to make, that even the biggest idiot in the kitchen with 10 million distractions could attempt this. You could make this blindfolded with Silvia Castro Leon straddling you, begging you to rip off her top. You could make this while Pepa Miranda frisked you from behind. Ok so I think you all get my point! Chikki is sexy because it doesn't make a mess, so you can eat it in bed or feed it to someone in bed....and the aroma that wafts from the kitchen while preparing this is worth the potentially dangerous 3rd degree burns if you touch the very very hot sugar.

Ingredients: 1 cup peanuts 1 cup sugar 3 tea spoons ghee ( that's clarified butter to you and I ) 1/2 tea spoon cardamom powder ( optional, as I am assuming not many of you have this awesome spice)

Method: Roast the peanuts on a medium flame or if you are not a cave woman, do it in the oven. Remove the skin and make a coarse powder.( To be honest, buy peanuts without the skin and that solves the frustrating peeling problem) Heat ghee, add sugar. Heat on a medium/low flame, mixing it continuously. When all sugar melts down, immediately add the peanut powder. Remove from heat and mix well. Grease a plate/cutting board with ghee, pour this mixture on top, roll into a big round. Cut them immediately.

P.S (Pepa.Silvia): The sugar should not be heated for long. Once it melts down, immediately the peanut powder should be added. (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TO NOT SPILL ANY ON YOURSELF BECAUSE IT F**KING BURNS!!) Mixture should not be allowed to cool before spreading. If it cools a bit, it cannot be spread and once it reaches this point, you cannot bring it to normal again.

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN

HALLOWEEN THEME!

It's that time of year again, when you see the evil, orange faces of hand carved pumpkins, party goers dressed in ridiculous outfits and little children running from house to house with pots of goodies ( or homemade pumpkin biscuits if they came from BMF'S house!). Yes, Halloween is fastly approaching and what better way to celebrate this time of year, than with a freaky main course, deigned to shock and delight those that are brave enough to try it! Ok it just looks freaky, it doesn't taste it! Firstly I would like to share with you my favourite Halloween outfit….lets just say I am not one of those girls that dress as "sexy devils" or "slutty nurses"( dear god can you imagine Marian as sexy devil??!! I think I would pass out)

I wanted to talk about my love affair with the pumpkin. I have always felt at ease with a pumpkin in the kitchen. It brightens up the fridge with its smooth orange skin, gives off a wonderful sweet scent and not only that, Starbucks make it in to the best drink of all time...pumpkin spiced latte! If I could bathe in one liquid, it would be that latte, with whipped cream and sprinkles. Ok on a more practical note, pumpkins are not just good for carving/bathing in/drooling over and are extremely versatile in the kitchen. You can roast thick wedges with garlic, rosemary and olive oil, make a velvety cream of pumpkin soup with chestnuts, add chunks to stews, risottos , or even puree to make a sweet mash. My personal favourite is pumpkin ravioli with sage butter, it is heaven on a plate.

So, I think you have all gathered that I am a tad obsessed with pumpkins, just like azwombat is obsessed with shower gel, Booker is with Scoopy, Piper is with the Phillies...... BUT pumpkins are not as exciting as this AWESOME dish. When I think about this dish, my palms begin to sweat, my heart rate goes up, goose pimples form on my skin and shock waves travel up and down my spine. Oh no wait, that's what happens when I watch the frisking scene in the garage, sorry I got confused.
By the way, this is the easiest dish ever!

Eyeball pasta
Ingredients
100g cherry tomatoes

150g pack mini mozzarella balls, drained
handful basil
400g green tagliatelle
350g jar tomato sauce
4 tbsp fresh pesto

Halve the cherry tomatoes and use a small, sharp knife or a teaspoon to remove the seeds. Cut the mozzarella balls in half( this is easier to do if you imagine they are "el gordos" or Alex Pina's). Place one half inside each tomato, trimming the edges if necessary to fit it in. Either cut the smallest circles you can from a basil leaf or finely chop the leaves and scrunch into small circles. Place one at the centre of each mozzarella ball.

Boil the pasta. Meanwhile, heat through the tomato sauce. When the tagliatelle is cooked, drain and stir through the pesto and any remaining basil, chopped finely. Divide between 4-6 serving bowls. Spoon over some tomato sauce, then arrange the stuffed tomato eyeballs on top.

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN

by Chef BigMarianFan

I was meant to be writing a food column this week, describing the wonderful cuisine we had on our trip to Amsterdam. Unfortunately BMF smoked one too many "herbal cigarettes" and spent far too much time in the red light district practising pole dancing and how to drink shots off various female body parts, meaning I did not find much time to eat!. What shocked me the most is when I FINALLY sat down at a restaurant, exhausted, blurry eyed, in need of a nice warming dish to return me back to planet earth, this is what was presented to me (see above)

Needless to say after indulging in that menu, I was away with the fairies again and had to return to the comfort of my hotel room where Azwombat was waiting for me in the shower. She had been there for hours and her skin was all shrivelled like a prunes (or like Scoopgirl after her jacuzzi session with Booker)! I tried to leave the hotel room, to go find PM and KalikeCA but apparently PM had passed out in "Celas Bar" in the centre of town, having attempted to try every drink they sold and as for KalikeCA, well she had found a karaoke bar and point blank refused to leave until they played every song on the jukebox!


Dr Booker informed me that the Uitsmijter and Erwtensoep were fantastic and she very kindly sent me some pictures from her Blackberry.


For those of you who have no idea what Erwtensoep and Uitsmijter are, I will summarise.

Erwtensoep - a Dutch pea soup made with gammon and split peas. Booker spoon fed Scoopgirl this while whispering sweet nothings in to her ear.

Uitsmijter- fried ham and eggs with mustard cheese (or food you chomp on when you have the munchies).

I know you all expected recipes this week but I had no memorable food whatsoever that was worth recreating back home. I did see and smell some wonderful foods in the various restaurants I stumbled past and think they deserve special mention.

I did bring back a lot of other new skills beside cooking though and I plan on trying them out on whoever is willing! I thoroughly enjoyed our little trip but only wish we could have spent more time together.

Pannekoeken and Poffertjes - Dutch pancakes similar to French crepes, served flat on a dinner plate, topped with confectioners' sugar, jam, syrup, hot apples, or typically Dutch hot ginger sauce. The less common kind are called pannekoeken which contain different types of meat. Poffertjes are small fried-pancake "puffs" coated with confectioners' sugar and filled with syrup or liqueur.

Uitsmijter -- An open-faced sandwich consisting of a buttered slice of bread (or two) topped with cold cuts and fried eggs

Saucijzenbrood - A hot dog, except the bun's made of flaky pastry and the hot dog is a spicy Dutch wurst, or sausage. Again they looked delicisious and if I ever return, that will be the first thing I wrap my lips around!

Tostis -Grilled ham-and-cheese sandwiches (Okay we actually have these in every country so they are not that special!)


Vlammetjes (little flames) - diminutive spring rolls which make up in fiery aggression for what they lack in size

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN

Hey ladies!! I thought I would start by saying that NEVER in a million years would I dream of doing a food column on breakfast tacos, but a special someone requested this, so I am doing this for her! By merely mentioning the words "b***k***t t***s", many members of the AE thread have felt the fiery wrath of BMF and wound up in permanent detention. I had never even heard of a breakfast taco a couple of weeks ago, mainly because we don't have them in England (*BMF sheds a tear*) but now I cannot stop thinking about their heavenly aroma, their moorish texture, how they would set my taste buds on fire, leaving me wanting more and more after every single satisfying bite. They have popped in to my head more times than Silvia has and that’s saying something!

What bagels are to New Yorkers or what scones are to the English, are what breakfast tacos are to the Texans. What is it about them, that has various people, (*cough Cela, cough *Azwombat*) drooling all over their computers / laptops when thinking about them?

Firstly , they can fit perfectly in to ones hand and mouth.

Secondly, when eating them, the chance of the filling spilling out is high, meaning the chance of some hotty reaching over and saying to you, "you've got a little something there", while using her finger to wipe away …Ok I am getting carried away but you get the point!

So what is a breakfast taco??

A breakfast taco is a regular 8-inch flour tortilla (almost always flour, there is a soft corn variety) stuffed with scrambled eggs, cheese and breakfast meat and if you are feeling feeling wild like my tigers, you can add a thin spread of refried beans.

A thick chewy flour tortilla and a spicy salsa will separate an excellent BT from a good BT.

Ingredients:
4 eggs- FREE RANGE, NOT BATTERY!!!!!!
1/4 cup of milk
4 slices of bacon,or 1 cup of chorizo ( my personal favourite!)
1 cup of refried beans, heated on Silvia Castro's burning loins
1/2 cup of salsa
1 cup of shredded Longhorn cheddar or any cheese you like
4 flour tortillas
1 tablespoon of butter
Salt and pepper to taste

Method:

1. Whisk eggs with milk( preferably from Daisy)
2. Heat up iron skillet on medium-high, and melt tablespoon of butter
3. When butter is melted, pour in eggs and scramble for about three minutes or until done to your liking. Add salt and pepper to taste
4. Heat up your flour tortillas either on a skillet, or by laying them on top of a gas burner. When tortilla starts to puff (about 20 seconds) turn it over and cook for another 20 seconds.
5. Take a tortilla and spread 1/4 cup of refried beans in the center of the tortilla. Add 1/4 of the scrambled eggs, 1/8 cup of salsa, 1/4 cup of cheese and either a slice of bacon or chorizo
6. Fold in bottom 1 inch of the tortilla, and then roll from left to right until self-contained

This makes 4 tacos but if you are like me, that will be enough for 1 person and one person only!

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN

Love is in the air at Pepsi U but we all know the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach. Pepa seduced Silvia with Jabugo ham, king prawns as well as friquito friquito vino and I think it’s safe to say her meal was a success. If words are not your strong point, then this seductive menu will be sure to romance the pants off that special someone in your life. I have incorporated so many aphrodisiacs in to this menu, that Aphrodite herself would be proud. On a more serious note, please do not hold me responsible for you actions after eating this....

Starter
Chilli crab cakes
The body's reaction to eating chilli is similar to the feelings you experience when.... (You know what), such as an increased heart rate and circulation and sweating. They also contain capsaicin which gives the body a temporary high.

Ingredients
15g (½ oz) butter

15g (½ oz) flour

125ml (4fl oz) milk

340g (12½ oz) mixed crabmeat, fresh or defrosted

1 lemongrass, finely chopped

1 green chilli, deseeded and chopped

1tbsp fresh root ginger, peeled and grated

115g (4½ oz) fresh breadcrumbs

1 medium egg, beaten

Sunflower oil, for frying

Salt and black pepper
For the red chilli garnish: 1-2 medium red chillies, deseeded and finely shredded

4 spring onions, finely shredded

Melt the butter in a small saucepan and add the flour. Cook for 1 minute, stirring continuously. Remove from heat and gradually stir in the milk. Return to the heat and cook for 2-3 mins until mixture thickens.

Remove the pan from the heat and add the crabmeat, lemongrass, chilli, ginger, salt, pepper and 30g of breadcrumbs. Mix together and leave to cool.

Using wet hands (no dirty thoughts allowed), shape the crab mixture into 10 cakes. Dip the crab cakes in the beaten egg and coat in the remaining breadcrumbs. Cover and chill for 20 mins. Heat the oil in a frying pan. Lightly cook the cakes for 3-5 mins on each side or until golden brown.

Serve the crab cakes alongside lime wedges and topped with shredded red chillies and spring onion

Main
Honeyed duck
Its sweetness and stickiness makes honey a very sensual food. This recipe also contains ginger which is supposed to be a sexual stimulant and it also warms up the body and increases the heart rate. Garlic improves blood circulation which boosts sexual performance and makes erogenous zones more sensitive.

Ingredients
2 medium duck breasts, trimmed

2tbsp sunflower oil

½ tbsp Chinese Five Spice

1tbsp acacia honey

1 inch /Alex Pina’s penis size piece of ginger, peeled and cut in to matchsticks

1 fat clove of garlic, peeled and sliced thinly

1 spring onion, trimmed and sliced in strips (how I would like to see “el gordo”)

225g (8oz) pak choy

Trimmed Coriander sprigs for decoration.
1. Brush duck breasts with 1tbsp oil, then rub with Chinese Five Spice.

Heat ½ tbsp oil in a non-stick pan and cook duck skin-side down first until crisp and golden.. About 4 mins. Turn over and cook the other side the same. With the skin side up, place in a pre-heated oven at 200°C/400°F/gas 6 for 10 mins, or until cooked to preference, drizzling with honey for the last 5 mins of cooking.

Heat the remaining oil in the duck pan and fry ginger, garlic and spring onions. Add to duck in roasting pan. Meanwhile cook pak choy in salted boiling water until just tender. Drain.

Spoon ginger and garlic mix onto four warmed serving plates and put duck breasts on top. Serve with pak choy and decorate with coriander sprigs.

Dessert
Strawberry and vanilla cream sponge
Described as fruit nipples in erotic literature, strawberries are the symbol of passion, they're perfect for sharing, rich in Vitamin C and delicious!

Ingredients
175g unsalted butter

175g golden caster sugar

1tsp baking powder

1 ½ tsp vanilla extract

3 eggs 175g self-raising flour
4 tbsp strawberry jam

284ml carton double cream

2 tbsp icing sugar, sifted

1 vanilla pod, seeds scraped out

Heat the oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4. Butter and base line two 18cm sandwich tins. Beat all the cake ingredients together in a large bowl until smooth. Divide between the tins and level out. Bake for 20-25 minutes until they are well risen and spring back when lightly pressed. Leave to cool in the tins for 5 minutes then turn out onto a rack and peel away the paper. Cool completely.
Spread the jam onto the base of one sponge. Lightly whip the cream with the icing sugar and vanilla seeds and spread half of it over the top of the jam. Sandwich the other sponge on top. Spread the remaining cream over the top with a palette knife.

BMF'S FOOD COLUMN

 by Chef BigMarianFan

Fudgy Brazil nut brownies

There is nothing better in life than chocolate. Mind you I am only 22 years old, so maybe there are better things in life than chocolate. I am yet to discover them. The fact that it is the only food to grace our lips that melts at exactly human body temperature, could explain its addictiveness.
So I woke up this morning /afternoon, looked out the window and surprise surprise, the sky was grey and it was raining. For those of you who don’t know me, I live in England and this kind of weather is standard. So I hopped into my car dressed in only my pijamas and drove to Waitrose to pick up some unsalted butter and some dark, bitter chocolate. (The rest of the ingredients, I had at home).
Now the recipe I am about to give you is a recipe I have used religiously for years and it never lets me down. I have tweaked a few things according to my taste and by all means, you can do the same. The great thing about brownies is you can serve them warmed up as a dessert with some vanilla marscapone or ice-cream OR you can have them as a snack with a nice cup of tea.

Ingredients

375 g soft unsalted butter
375 g dark chocolate (66% cocoa solids or above)
6 large eggs (free range obviously! An unhappy chicken= an unhappy egg= horrible brownies)
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
500 g caster sugar
225 g
plain flour
1 teaspoon salt
300 g chopped brazil nuts

Firstly, line a baking tin (33 x 23 x 5 1/2cm) with non-stick parchment or foil and butter the sides of the tin well.
Pre-heat the oven to 180°C.

Melt the butter and chocolate together in a bain marie or heavy based saucepan until they form a glossy brown liquid. Please refrain from eating the mixture, I know it is tempting but you can lick the saucepan clean later.

Leave this mixture to cool slightly while you prepare the rest of the ingredients. (If you put the eggs and sugar in to the chocolate when it is too hot, you will end up with chocolate scrambled eggs.)

Beat the eggs and caster sugar together for a couple of minutes with a whisk (if you are feeling energetic) or an electric mixer (if you already have muscles like Pepa's and don’t need to tone them any more). This basically adds a bit of air in to the mixture resulting in a lighter tasting brownie.

Once the chocolate mixture has cooled slightly, add it to sugary egg mixture, followed by the flour, salt, vanilla extract and the chopped nuts. Stir this mixture together until the flour has been incorporated and pour in to the baking tin. Pop it in the oven for 25 mins and hey presto!

The top should look well crusted and cracked but the centre should be slightly wobbly, giving it a fudgey texture. I took the liberty of photographing the only brownie I had left over because someone (little brother), ate them all !!

Tips/suggestions:
If you don’t like nuts or are allergic, replace them with white, milk or dark chocolate chunks.

This recipe makes A LOT of brownies so if you are catering for a smaller crowd or just yourself (no shame in that!) then halve the quantities and bake for 18 minutes instead.

Swap the Brazil nuts for pecan nuts, walnuts, hazlenuts, almonds…I could go on but I think you get the picture!

DO NOT EAT ALL THE BROWNIES IN ONE GO! (Remember how poor Marianno felt when he ate all those doughnuts!)