LESBIANS AND THE BIG BANG

When I have a had a bad day at work, and I want to let off some steam or I want to forget my troubles, I am going to go to a bar, pick up a guy and bang him until the sun comes up. If I went on a business trip, and I met a man at a conference and he came on to me and I did nothing to resist his charms, I would go to his hotel room and I would slip out before the wake up call came.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with these scenarios. I am an adult, it was consensual sex and condoms were used. The only problem is that I am a lesbian. A lesbian. I am someone who is attracted to women--physically and emotionally. People who know me, know that I am a lesbian. In fact, I am surprised that there isn't a big L on my driver's license. I am the kind of lesbian that likes George Clooney--I think he is attractive and appealing, but I do not have any romantic notions about him. I see what straight women see in him, but I would like him as a friend, not a lover. And that is because...I am a lesbian.

I am the kind of lesbian who has no problem watching romantic films about straight couples or reading a love story about a man and a woman. That has been our media and culture for many years, that is what has been available to us. But I was the lesbian who would dream about a Pride and Prejudice where Mr. Darcy was just Darcy--a beautiful mysterious woman. I would wonder why Sally couldn't meet another Sally? I would always hope for a time in my life where lesbians would have their stories told and eventually that did happen. There have been wonderful films in the last few years that have shown lesbians as real people. The publishing world has finally discovered that lesbians love romances and television has slowly found its spine. Television executives now know that lesbians can help ratings or at least not hurt ratings.

But the thing that continues to piss off this lesbian is this ridiculous idea that lesbians will continue to have sex with men--as a way to cope with stress, to show they have or need power over men, and a way to confirm that they are indeed a lesbian.

This leads me to Pepa. LHDP shook up our world with her having butcher block sex in the kitchen with Aitor. I hated this storyline for two reasons: it was just stupid for Pepa to believe that she had to get pregnant "the old fashioned way" and she then had sex with Aitor because she was drunk and distraught.

I know lesbian couples who have gone to the sperm bank, chosen a donor, brought home the sperm in a cooler, purchased a new turkey baster and the greatest hits of Enya. They light some candles, make love, open sesame and hello sperm! No shots, no doctors and no stirrups. All of Pepa's fears were without base. But the bigger issue is that Pepa was a lesbian who was in love with a woman, and in her lowest moment she had sex with a man. And now there is talk that Pepa could be doing that again in Season 9.

I will accept Pepa doing this as long as straight men will turn to men in times of stress. When I see a straight stud make a move on a gay man, then I will see more of a balance in storytelling. To actually believe that a lesbian is lusting, fantasizing or even horny for a man's body is as hard to believe as George Clooney seducing Rupert Everett--because he had a bad day.

I am not saying that every lesbian in the world has not ever been with a man. I am saying that when a film or TV show has one or two lesbians, they should be lesbian, with "lesbian tendencies". They should be women loving women. If the world media overwhelmingly represents the straight life, is it too much to ask for a few good lesbians? To show lesbians who only want to make love to lesbians? To show lesbians walking in the house and yelling "honey, I'm home" and there comes another lesbian around the corner with a smile on her face. Am I being too pushy to ask for a lesbian wedding that doesn't have buckets of blood?

Because there has been such a struggle for equality and fair representation in the media for gays and lesbians, it is disheartening and unsettling to hear about another wonderful beautiful lesbian who will have meaningless sex with a man. Whey can't she have meaningless sex with a woman?

No woman could love Silvia the way Pepa did and then say "I am in mourning for my woman, so I will now have sex with men." That is not how lesbians mourn. Lesbians mourn like everyone else--we cry, we eat, we drink, we sleep, and we are tremendously sad. We are not shagging, banging or blowing men.

Let Pepa be a lesbian. Let lesbians be lesbians.

9x01 Las triquiñuelas del mal [Evil's little tricks]

At the precinct, Paco does the introductory speech, talking about illusions. He is dressed up as Father Christmas, it’s Christmas eve, and is talking to kids, taking their letters. In off, he says that illusion is what you build up after you have lost everything. He has a very powerful line “Life is gonna have to be much more of a motherfucker to bring me down”. Curtis gets a phone call – a woman has blood leaking in her house.

Intro bit.

Genoa, 24th December 2009

Comment: Ew, ew, ew!! Pepa licking an old man!

Mafia man: [In Italian] Mario, I can’t give you the harbour. I told you that if you help me, I help you, but if you think that I’m gonna be taken for a ride, you’re badly mistaken. What sort of respect should I expect from my sons if I leave a random foreigner take something that one day might be theirs? It’ll be like that, just like that. Whenever you want.

Darkness in a room. The newbies are doing a practice. At the lab, Dr. Asshole Decker is throwing away Silvia’s stuff [BLASPHEMY!!!!]. DL walks livid at what he sees. Decker says “What happened to Doctor Castro? Did she died buried by an avalanche of papers when she opened her closet?” [DOUBLE BLASPHEMY!!!]. DL is about to kill him but only says that “Doctor Castro died of a bullet wound on her wedding day”. Then DL fires him.  Haha! Reyes walks in and says no one is getting fired. The newbies find blonde newbie lying on the floor. Moron newbie tries to do CPR on her and ends up snogging her... Povedilla ain’t happy! Pove is completely un-Pove, really strict with them. Take that!

Paco et al go to the flat to investigate the leaking blood. Rita asks Paco if he knows where Pepa is, but he doesn’t. And then we’re back to Genoa, where Pepa is ew ew ew on top of the mafia man, topless.  She has pussy red nail polish.  She dips her pussy red painted finger into one of the champagne glasses on the side table.  Apparently, pussy red nail polish is also a good laxative.

Mafia man: My stomach... [runs for the toilet] Excuse me...

While Mafia man is doing #2, Pepa goes through his mobile. In the meantime, she gets a call from Paco.

Answer machine: This is Pepa Miranda’s voicemail. Leave your message.

Paco: Pepa, it’s me, your brother... I just wanted to know how you doing. It’s been six months without h... But that’s not what I wanted to say. If you’re around, I’d like you to come home for dinner. A kiss, sister, and merry Christmas!

The guy is back... But needs to run to the toilet again. He throws a bunch of 500 euro notes and goes.

Mafia man: I’m sorry.

Paco et al enter the flat and find a dead guy with his heart in one hand, his head nailed to the throne, bird bones all around, blood, candles... Really creepy scene.  Aitor walks into the precinct and starts flirting over the phone with Reyes. He goes to meet her. DL is spying from outside pondering the changes she's implementing. Povedilla tells him that their authority is decreasing. DL tells him to be more strict with the newbies. Aitor tells Reyes he is not going to take a leave from work, even if he has been doing far too many shifts, and keeps flirting with her. DL walks in and they argue big time. Reyes is strong but she’s under far too much pressure.  At the crime scene, Deker is describing the details – heart being ripped off, hypothalamus eaten, blah blah.  The newbies are at the locker room talking amongst themselves. Dani and Lis have slept together, but she doesn’t want a relationship with him. I think it’s far too much info for me.

Paco invites Mariano to Christmas Eve dinner, but he refuses. They argue. Mariano tells Paco how he betrayed him when he went to negotiate with the mafia, because Paco stayed inside per Salgado's order. Mariano challenges Paco: whoever solves the case gets to stay in San Antonio, and the other should leave.

Povedilla walks into the changing room and scolds Dani for taking Quique’s locker. Dani is too cocky and challenges Pove, but he orders him to count all the bullets in the shooting gallery that night. Good move, jackass!

Pepa is sitting in a car somewhere in Italy. She phones someone.

Aitor: Pepa!

Pepa: Hi Aitor, I’m glad to hear your voice. Where are you?

Aitor: Where else could I be? In San Antonio... Is Christmas Eve, huh?

Pepa: That’s true. Merry Christmas.

Aitor: Merry Christmas. Where are you?

Pepa: Let’s see, Aitor. I need you to go to the precinct and get me an arsenal list, an automatic rifle, two Beretta [Italian gun] and 20 pistol magazines. I also need 300 g of C4 and a Rooney detonator.

Aitor: What the fuck are you asking me, Pepa?

Pepa: You rent a car and drive to the border, cross La Jonquera, from there you take the motorway until Nice and when you get to Italy and pass by San Remo, you’re going to find a small town called Garessio. At 120 – 140 km/h, I estimate you will be here tomorrow morning, so I will be waiting for you at Piazza Farnese for breakfast.

Aitor: See, Pepa, listen to me, listen, I’m not going, you hear me? I’m not fucking going to La Jonquera or round the corner. Why don’t you call your brother, and ask him that favour? And in the meantime you tell him you’re alive.

Pepa: Because I can only ask this to you. This is a favour from a fucking crazy boy to a fucking crazy girl. I’m really looking forward to seeing you, ciao.

At Paco’s, Paco tells DL to dress up so they can have Christmas dinner. DL is really bitter. At the lab, Mariano walks in to spend Christmas Eve with Deker and the victim's cadaver. Aitor steals Pepa's arsenal request and calls Reyes to cancel dinner. Rita is at Confecciones Puri. Pepa is having pasta in her car. Dani is counting the bullets. Then the newbies enter the shooting gallery and offer him a Christmas Eve picnic. Povedilla enters Confecciones Puri and tells Rita he was feeling lonely. She says she’s just watching TV. Curtis opens the door of the van.

Curtis: Is it here the party of the homeless?

Rita: Now we’re all here, the whole crib.

Curtis: Rosendo doesn’t know it’s Christmas. And this year the redhead fag [referring to Quique affectionately] failed me, I needed some background singers to sing Christmas carols. To us [they toast] and to those who aren’t here.

Deker is slicing the cadaver and finds an egg inside. Huh? Lis is getting some presents and decorations from the precinct when she runs to hide in the elevator and finds Aitor – and they flirt. Blugh blugh.  DL, Salgado and Paco are having Christmas dinner. DL is still very bitter. He gets a call from Mariano and tells him to fuck off. Salgado proposes to help them with the investigation, but DL jokes bitterly about the CNI handing out ID cards instead of doing proper intelligence duties.

Paco: Well, come on, let’s toast. It’s Christmas after all. And then we open the presents, okay?

DL: Fuck’s sake, Paco. Let it go, so many damn toasts. Enough is enough! Do you see any of my daughters here? My granddaughter? Your sister? Or Montoya cutting the turrón...? Can you see him? No, right?

Paco: What are you trying to say? That tonight you’re feeling lonelier than any other fucking night of the year? Is that it? Because I’ve lost exactly the same people as you. The same. And I am here, trying to smile for Christmas, and do you know why? Because it’s much more difficult to live happily than to live bitterly.

DL: My daughter died in my arms on her wedding day. Excuse me, but I think I have the right to live bitterly for a bit, no?

Paco: You have never tried to be a happy man. Never.

[Knock on door]

Curtis: Hey, Don Lorenzo, we were just outside having a toast in memory of the absent, and we thought “What the hell!? Let’s toast with the present ones!”

Povedilla: And we brought you that anisette you like.

Rita: And we thought that maybe that way the night goes by faster for everyone. What do you think? What do you say? You join us?

DL: Oh, I don’t know, we're rather bummed out here, right Paco? Come on, keep up the spirits, let’s have a drink, come on in. Come in. Let’s have a drink.

Curtis: Merry Christmas!

Everyone: Merry Christmas!

DL: Let’s see, Paco. Cut the turrón! And serve that Fray Angelico cool, as it has to be! And who is this cute guy? What does he drink?

Curtis: Like its owner, Anís del Mono.

DL: The truth is you do resemble each other, I’m sorry.

Paco: I only have soft turrón.

Deker goes to the dummy dolls room and projects the painting on the ceiling. Reyes walks in and asks him about it. Apparently, the killer put them all there with blood. In the meantime, the creature from the egg has disappeared.  Legendary LHDP vintage moment with all the oldies singing a Christmas carol (Adeste Fidelis).  Mariano is outside looking in. They’re about to take a group photo when Paco has an epiphany abou the crime scene  – a guy who’s not a cop was there taking pictures. Dinner is over and they’ll be working in 3 hours. The old patrol gets to the precinct and sees Deker and Reyes trying to work on the case. I think DL will never finish his long list of insults towards Deker.

Aitor finds badass Pepa on the square.

Aitor: I’d never been to Italy before, you know? It’s nice, isn’t it? How are you?

Pepa: Better now. Italy reminds me of a poem they made me learn at school.

Aitor: Really? Which one?

Pepa: Hum?

Aitor: What poem?

Pepa: It was a smiling garden,

It was a still crystal fountain,

It was, lying at the edge, an immaculate rose of a rosebush.

Aitor: Meh, I can only remember “Ten cannons on each side...”

Pepa: A hundred, there were a hundred cannons.

Aitor: Pepa, can you tell me what the hell are we doing here reciting poetry?

Pepa: I know where El Gordo is.

At the briefing room, everyone’s sitting at the table and they’re given assignments regarding the creepy case. He burned the victims heart, put an egg up his colon, got bones of birds hanging from the ceiling! Mariano is in the toilet when a tiny white snake shows up, so he brings it to DL. When they have all left, DL and Reyes ask each other what’s the key to the case. They both write it in post-it notes and pass them to each other. They agree: the position of the victim.

In the shooting gallery, Dani [blugh!] and Lis [double blugh!] wake up next to each other. Goth girl argues “If you guys had sex and it went well, why can’t you go on doing it?”. Goyo walks in and alerts them that the whole staff is on duty. The newbies appear as if nothing’s wrong and Dani presents the bullet count. They all get some homework.

Aitor: How the fuck did you get all these documents? Pepa, all of them, don’t know if you can see it, are marked as classified by the Anti-Mafia Prosecutor.

Pepa: I know.

Aitor: You know.

Pepa: That was not the hard part. I delayed handing the Bravante report to the judge. Plus I got hold of Bolucci’s mobile phone. In it, I found messages in which he was going to meet Isabella Giardelli, I followed...

Aitor: Listen to me! I don’t want you to tell me anything else, you got it? I don’t want to be involved in this, this is fucking madness!

Pepa: Aitor, Aitor, please don’t go.

Aitor: Why did you call me? Why did you make me get the fucking arsenal and you don’t tell any of this to the Carabinieri? What for, Pepa?

Pepa: So you can help me arrest El Gordo. Aitor, we have to arrest El Gordo and take him to Spain.

At the precinct, it’s working-your-wee-socks-off time.

Pepa: This is Italy, don’t you understand? If El Gordo goes to court here, he’ll be back in the streets in two days, don’t you get it? Please.

Aitor: Who is Isabella Giardelli?

Pepa: She is the person Bolucci phoned more times in the last four months. I tracked her down, and she turned out to be an adorable 75-year-old, apparently not related to him. No criminal record. With nothing better to do than going from her house to the market, and from the market to her house. Then I thought about the pizzini. They’re handwritten pieces of paper that the mafia members use to communicate with each other when they’re in hiding. No phones, no Internet. The pizzini go from hand to hand until they reach their destination. A man walks from his house and passes the paper to a barber or a peasant or an adorable lady who’s out at the market... and that’s how Isabella took me to El Gordo. He’s 40 km from here.

So off they go.

The victim was a total altruist, the hypothalamus is the region of the brain where the soul is located and they have videos of two ATM machines to find the photographer. DL sees the newbies and is not happy. Povedilla asks to talk to him.

Povedilla: Why are you doing this to me, Don Lorenzo? Why are you making me insult, harass and treat those boys badly? Don Lorenzo, we’re not like that. We’re very welcoming people.

DL: Do you know why I’m doing this? Because I want elite agents. People who stick to the rules no matter what. I don’t want a gang of pilgrims who would go out covering themselves with 16^th century shields in the middle of crossed fire. I don’t want any heroes. I don’t want idiots who would hide the fact that they’ve been shot three times in the stomach. That’s why I’m doing that. Because if someone with some brains would have teach them some rules and some common sense, they’d be alive today. The back-up took 6 minutes to get there. There was no need for shields. And we could have saved Montoya’s life if one hour earlier we had covered his wounds.

Povedilla: You’re being really unfair, Don Lorenzo. I was up there, you remember? And up there we didn’t know who, when... not even if any back-up was going to come. Do you know why Montoya didn’t say anything about his wounds? You know why he stood and covered a window? Because he thought we were all going to die.

DL: Because he was an idiot!! I don’t want to have four dead on my desk again, just because some morons think that crossed fire is a child’s game. Only one person should have died that day. My daughter. So I’m not only asking you to train them, I’m asking you to teach them how to save their lives in these situations. Only us who have survived that hell are capable of teaching it.

Deker and gothic girl are looking at the blood stains – she’s intelligent enough to give him the idea to solve it.  Back in Italy, Aitor and Pepa reach the house where El Gordo might be.

Aitor: There’s no one here, Pepa. Dunno, he might have left, that’s it.

Pepa: No, he’s right there, all alone. Watched over by a peasant, a farmer and a shepherd. But he’s there.

At the precinct, they’re all working still. Lis takes some books to Reyes’s office and sees that she’s got Aitor’s file on her desk. This is when we find out that Lis and Reyes are daughter and mother. Curtis, Rita and Paco find the address of the creepy photographer. Mariano finds the address of the guy who bought the snake egg. Reyes finds the painting associated with the position of the victim.  Pepa and Aitor are getting ready to go all Rambo.

Pepa: Let’s go. Once we get in, we only have 6 minutes until the entire mafia shows up.

Aitor: That’s long enough for me. We get him and we get the hell out of here, I want to be home early so I can open some presents, eh, Pepa? Pepa! All right?

Pepa: Let’s go.

Deker, DL and Reyes are in the briefing room, solving the enigma. The victim’s position represented “charity”. The blood stains represent a constellation, the egg is “the son”. This is a bit too ridiculous. In Italy, Now, in a rush, Pepa and Aitor blow up the door where El Gordo is hiding and Paco, Curtis and Rita find the creepy photographer in his house, who turns out to be a priest telling them that evil is coming to earth. How sweet.  Aitor and Pepa got into the house,

Aitor: Freeze, Police Force!

Aitor: That’s it, that’s it, let’s go!

Pepa: Do not move!

Aitor: Pepa, you get him and we go, that OK?

El Gordo: I was waiting for you.

And then we get tons of Silvia flashbacks and Pepa crying and blood and 104 crap and Pepa is just about to explode and... Well, she shoots El Gordo in the forehead. And she runs away.

Aitor: Pepa, Pepa, come here, fuck! Pepa!! What the fuck did you just do, you motherfucker? You killed a dude, you hear me? You executed him, Pepa. Come here, come here. I stole those weapons, you have made me the responsible of a manslaughter, you motherfucker! You screwed my life, you hear me? You killed him in cold blood. Pepa!!

Pepa kicks Aitor’s ass, btw. And cries bitterly in despair.

Pepa: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Aitor... I’m sorry... He killed her... He killed her right in front of me... I know... I know this doesn’t solve anything, but I couldn’t live with it.

Aitor: Calm down, Pepa, calm down. We gotta go, Pepa.

The new soundtrack is sung by the new band. The newbies are all in a bar. Deker leaves the briefing room saying that the murderer still has 6 other victims to go. DL looks at him puzzled. Deker argues that they don’t have a list of “virtuous men”, so the only thing they can do is wait for the next crime.

Pepa and Aitor get the hell out of the Italian countryside as two countrymen are approaching the crime scene. Mariano gets to the scene of the crime and is blinded by white lights. And that’s the episode over.

Next week!

Pepa back in San Antonio! And also saying “I’ll blow up your brains if you make another move” to some random man. Oh yeah, the badass is back in town!

Piper's Commentary:
Pepa had a mission, and that's to avenge Silvia's death.  Okay, I can buy that. But killing El Gordo? After the depth of love she gave to and received from Silvia?  That, I don't buy.  Love is life-giving.  I will share a personal story to illustrate my point: before my mother died, I was one daredevil who flipped life in its face all the time.  But after my mother died, I changed. Life became more precious.  Suicide was no longer an option.  That is the paradox of love and death.  So I do not buy the premise of Pepa killing someone for Silvia, because she knew in her heart that Silvia would not like that.  I know I don't talk much about love, not because I don't believe in it, but because words fail me.  When someone loves you for a long, long time, you don't easily forget what that love meant.  You don't go around killing people.


Pepa loved and was loved.  She would have risen beyond the anger. But this is LHDP, and this is version 66.6. If God is Love, then evil is the absence of Love. 

Partial list of episode rip-offs:

Various horror films

La Femme Nikita
House / Crossing Jordan

"Let Go"

Letting go is always hard no matter the circumstances in which you do it. Whether it's moving to a new city, leaving the comfort and security of your parents' home to live on your own, or the end of a relationship, letting go of what's familiar, what's loved, what's comfortable is always hard.

In Ep. 84, "Un diagnóstico peregrino," the hearts of PepSi fans everywhere broke during what Dr. Booker refers to as "the helicopter scene." Silvia has just discovered that Pepa slept with Aitor. While Silvia knows that Pepa would "fill (her) house with flowers and come down from a helicopter to (her) bed and fill Madrid with (her) name on every bridge" she simply asks one thing from Pepa: for Pepa to let her go. Silvia cried, Pepa cried, I think even that "Cold Hard Bitch" Sara cried, and many PepSi fans cried with them.

Of course, Pepa, being Pepa, couldn't just "let go" like Silvia asked. At least not right away. In Ep. 86, "Un adosao con vistas," we learn that Pepa had been inundating Silvia with flowers and phone calls in an attempt to win Silvia back. In a last ditch effort, she filed mobbing charges against Silvia, seeing it as her only option of getting Silvia to talk to her. At the hearing, Pepa is her usual smug, rebellious self. That is until she learns that Silvia filed a sexual harrasment charge against her and was seeking a restraining order. Pepa is no loner smiling - the hurt and pain is obvious in her face. And when she tells the judge (and Silvia), "I'm not going to be able to comply with that order. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. Because I can't stand the thought of being more than 2 centimeters away from (Silvia)" you know she means it. But I think this was the moment that Pepa realized she had to do what Silvia asked her - she had to let her go. She needed Silvia to have some time, some space. She needed to let Silvia come back to her on Silvia's own terms. And in order to do that, she had to let go.

Ep. 104 marked another period of letting go for Pepa and for PepSi fans. It's been over six months since that dreaded episode, and in one day we will all get to see how Pepa has been dealing with the fallout from her wedding. The promos have showed us that there will be grief, anger and vengence. But there are also signs that we will get to see remnants of the Pepa we love - a smiling, laughing Pepa - and as hard as it will be to watch her live without her pelirroja, her princesa, her wife by her side, this is a good thing IMO. It's a sign that while Pepa will never forget her wife or the love that they shared, she can still find the beauty and goodness in a world without Silvia. Perhaps S9 will be cathartic for all PepSi fans as we try to let go of Silvia and the loss of PepSi. Maybe watching Pepa's journey from her grief to finding a point of peace will help us do the same. And maybe, just maybe we will also be able to find some beauty in the breakdown. Even if it is during those few seconds when Pepa flashes one of her trademark smiles and we find ourselves smiling with her.

kalike

*The title for this lecture is based on the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou.

PS. I wanted to wish Dr. Booker a very, very Happy Birthday. It has been an honor for me to have been able to get to know you and bask in the glow of your wondrous brain.

Laura Sánchez in Fórmula TV

How are you facing the new season?

It is going to be a new season with loads of action, revenge, and new threads. Pepa is going to be very crazy.

Did you know that last season was going to end the way it did?

No, we knew Marian was leaving the show, but I never imagined that it was going to be like that, it was painful... Because the script was painful. And painful personally as well, Juan [Don Lorenzo] and I were really affected by the fact that that last sequence was the last one we ever shot with Marian. Because you know sometimes you shoot the end and then the beginning, but no, our last day of work was her death, and we had such a load of tension and feelings that were released and helped the characters.

Was it hard to shoot Silvia’s death scene?

Two whole days on our knees. You can ask Juan, we didn’t know how to stand anymore. It was really hot, it was July and they were really hard. The blood was getting dry on our hands so we had to get them wet all the time, it was really hard. Both days were really hard for that sequence.

What did you feel when you saw the episode?

I cried. A lot. In my house when I watched it. I knew the script by heart and I had seen parts of the episode here but anyway I cried. But I think I cried because I knew I was not gonna work with those “deceased” colleagues.

Are you aware of the repercussions of your love story on the Internet?

Yeah, we know it, we know it, and we get new information every day about new websites created to resurrect my wife, and well, we’re really aware of it and they are taking notes “up there” [meaning the producers and writers].

What would you say to the PepSi fans?

That they’re doing a great job and that I think maybe they can reap the fruits of their efforts.

That means that...

That means that... In the first episode you will see Silvia already, even if in flashbacks, and in my memories, and she’s going to be really present, especially in Pepa’s head... That is going to be Pepa’s plot for the new season.

So Pepa is not going to fall in love again, for now...

No, she doesn’t fall in love again. She’s thirsty for revenge, really.

What’s going to be Pepa’s situation in the new season?

Well, she’s gonna go completely crazy – if she was already crazy when she first came here, you can just imagine now. She’s going to have a foul mouth, the writers have pulled that off and... Geez! She lives with Paco, sleeps in Sara’s old room, and has a good relationship with Aitor, he has become her confidant, her accomplice in her crazy hooligan moments... She has a really good professional relationship with the new forensics, even if she doesn’t accept him at the very beginning, and a real love/hate story with my new sister-in-law [Commander Salgado?]... But she’s still really crazy and full of action, and violent.

How’s Pepa’s return to the precinct going to be?

I can tell you that when the new season starts, Pepa is not working as a cop. She asked for a six month leave after what happened. In those six months she has done unthinkable things... But now she’s coming back to the precinct, standing up to the new Inspector, and putting everything and everyone in their place.

With so many changes, don’t you feel as if you were in a different show?

No, no, it’s not a new show. It’s a show with new incentives – it’s really nice and refreshing working with new people, with young people. I knew Goya [Toledo, aka Reyes] already, but I didn’t know any of the boys, and it’s really good fun. It’s nice how they just arrived a month and a half ago but it was as if they were not new, as if they had been working with us for a while longer, and they get the same jokes. You so have to come one day when we’re shooting... But well, this is the season where we have been scolded the most because I don’t know why but we’re always laughing, the stupid laughter every single day... And they have scolded me and they had never done that before!

What do you like the most in the series, drama or comedy?

From the acting point of view, I prefer drama and action. As a viewer, I love comedy, and the absurd humour of Paco, Mariano and Don Lorenzo – that’s what I really like about the show.

Do you see any other Spanish TV shows?

Oh yeah, I watch Doctor Mateo, Sin tetas no hay paraíso, even if it clashed... Aída as well, when it starts again. I watch many Spanish shows.

What character from any other shows would you like to be?

I would have loved to be Paz, from Aída. I love her. Melanie is awesome.

Don't let the door hit you in the butt

The other day I watched the new long promo for Season 9 and I realized that Sara was not in it. This shocked me and thrilled me at the same time. I have never been a fan of Sara and I will not miss her in the coming season.

I want to make it clear that I do understand the difference between a character and an actor and my issues are directed at the character of Sara and her actions in the LHDP story lines.

We do know that Sara, at 15, had a huge crush on Lucas - even though he was twice her age and her uncle/ex uncle. That crush developed to the point where she had tunnel vision when it came to Lucas. She literally would do anything to get him, and if that meant lying to her parents or breaking the law, she would do it.

Sara had always been daddy's little girl and she was adored by her abuelo--Don Lorenzo. We would see this very tough man turn into a marshmallow in front of our eyes when it came to Sara. As for Lola, she was a tougher audience and she knew Sara very well. But still, Sara had found a way around her mother too.

Here are just two examples of Sara's philosophy of the "ends justify the means"--the only reason there was a Pepsi hangar scene, was that they were investigating the shooting of Montoya and Rita (and they were shot at by Lucas and Sara!):

During the strip joint episode, Sara basically betrayed her father to and set him up... as she was conspiring with Lucas again.

There are so many reasons why she rubbed me the wrong way. Did she really love Aitor or was she using him as a bench warmer for Lucas? Later on, she had an affair with Aitor, wore Silvia's wedding dress, and had a pretend wedding with him--while she was married to Lucas.

In fairness to Sara, she did have her good moments and those were during the Pepa and Silvia episodes when they had broken up. She showed a more mature and thoughtful side and we believed that she truly wanted them to get back together. She was a central character in one of my favorite episodes--I call it the helicopter scene--we knew that Sara wanted what we wanted.

I have stated in past lectures that it was important to show Don Lorenzo approved of Pepa and Silvia's relationship. This was a great message to older viewers in Spain. But I also think it was important for young boys and girls to see that Sara supported her two aunts and that she had no problem with them.

Having said all that, I can now focus on the absolute worst moment in Sara's history on the show. In episode 104, Sara ruins the wedding reception by having her husband and her lover together at the same table. Aitor deserved to be shot for his poutish behavior, but it was Sara who created this mess and brought it to the wedding.

When she steps out to smoke (who knew she smoked?) her life is saved by sharp shooter Pepa.

Here is the moment that I find unforgivable: at the end of this episode, during the song where she is outside along with her husband and lover, she knows that Silvia could die. And she hears Pepa's cry "no!" - everyone knows what that cry means. What does Sara do? The shooting has stopped, the bad guys are either dead or gone, and Sara has to choose between the two men. She doesn't rush into the house to check on her father. her three dead friends, or her aunts. Instead she walks off with Lucas. Like she is Dorothy skipping down the yellow brick road with Toto.

I imagine that the actress actually said to the director and producers "this doesn't feel right. Why am I not worried about the people in the house? Why aren't all of us going into the house?" I think that must have been asked on the set that day, because it was such a ridiculous choice that someone had to have raised the question.

But I think they wanted the shot of Sara and Lucas walking away. That was more important than the death of Silvia and the three others. It was a moment that was not only stupid but insulting to all of the viewers.

So that is why I am not sad that Sara is gone. Episode 104 was traumatic enough for us and we didn't need to be reminded of the selfish side of Sara. Remember, her friends were dead. She had no idea how her father was or how the others were. But she knew that Silvia had died and that Pepa and her abuelo were dealing with this tragedy. Her love life was more important. So go off with Lucas and have the life you dreamed of. I know I am ready to move on from the chronicles of Sara.

Marian in Arucitys

By Dr. Bekelauer
Picspam and additional snark by Dr. Piper

Translator's introduction:  Okay, this is a show that has been on forever. In many different channels and times, but I remember being in high school and watching Arucitys right after lunch because my parents loved it. The showman, Alfons Arús, a former comedian, conducts the interviews and moderates the debates, which are normally heated up by his wife Vicky (the lady with short dark hair on his left). It is funny as hell and the interview with Marian and Bart has really hilarious moments. This also provokes a lack of format and drastic topic changes – just in case you wonder “Where the hell did that come from?”

Vicky: Hey Marian, what happened to your hair?
MA: Huh, I cut it a bit. It’s all right, it grows back and then I cut it again and like this forever.
Arús: If not you can just get extensions, like Doña Letizia [the princess].

MA: Well, not a problem.

Arús explains how Mi primera vez was created and the website stories.

MA: Yeah, and they explain a lot of stuff!

Arús and Bart joke about whether Americans’ and Spaniards’ first time could be the same.

Arús: How many stories you tell per play?
MA: Well, between sentences, monologues, scenes, sketches... There are many characters.
Bart: Many characters and many stories

Arús complains that only the boys in the play undress but girls don’t take off even their necklaces.

See her swollen right cheek

MA [Seeing the video of the play that they’re showing on screen]: Look that was the back tooth day! It got swollen... I had a gumboil. It’s true. I woke up in Barcelona and the next day... Well, sorry, I was just remembering the day.
Arús: Is the gumboil gone now?
MA: Nah, it’s still there.
Arús: Really? What are you taking?
MA: I’m on antibiotics.
Arús: Huh, I don’t think antibiotics and theatre are compatible, are they?

The mechanism of the play is that people in the audience are given a card where they write their first time, so some of the stories are told in real time.

MA: Yeah, some people take their card and put it there [takes hand to her chest] and say “Oh, don’t want anyone to see that” or at some point we’re in a rush, we have to select them and we browse thru them as soon as we get them and some people go “Don’t read it!”. Many people just don’t want the person right beside them to know it’s them.
Arús: But it implies some exhibitionism!
MA: Well, it’s actually anonymous, so if you haven’t let the person next to you read it, that person doesn’t really need to know you wrote it. 

Bart: They end up finding out.
Arús: You just blush.
MA: But some groups just applaud or cheer when it’s theirs.
Arús: They said that some people that went to see the play were a bit uncomfortable at the beginning but ended up cracking up laughing. People tend to take precautions when seeing the play?
MA: Yes. Many people get there and refuse to laugh [Translator's admiration: I adore MA’s expression there!].

Arús: Really?
MA: Yeah, and you see them looking like... [crosses arms], but end up laughing. I saw that the other day. In the first row, there was this lady looking like “No, no, I’m not gonna laugh”... then it was like she couldn’t keep it inside and ended up all loose... 

Arús: But then, Marian, why do they go to the theatre?
MA: Humm, I don’t know.

They talk about ways of explaining the stories.

MA: There is a great variety.
Arús: You always end up talking about two Murcianas [Translator's note: Women from Murcia, remember?!]. Two Murcianas and a can of Coke. What happened to these ladies?
MA: Well, these ladies tell, not only how was their first time, which is already included in the story,... they tell how they went to a TV show to explain a method of contraception that one of them used, which is a little peculiar. And well, what happened and how they explain it...
Arús: And the method of contraception is Coke?
MA: Yes.
Arús: But Coke, you mean the bottle or...?
MA: No, the important element is gas [Translator's note: She puts a Murcian accent. TOO FUNNY]
Monica: So you can use lemonade or Fanta too then?
MA: Of course.
Arús: “Gas is contraceptive”.
MA: No, it isn’t, it isn’t! We say that it’s not... One of the ladies thought it was, but the other...
Vicky: We guess that depending on the age of the person telling the story, the whole thing changes a lot?
MA: Yeah.
Arús: ...Because the older generations had more trouble to do it, the times were different.

MA: Yes, sure. I’ve been finding out stuff while reading all these stories, and chatting with people and everything. Suddenly, the other day, we were chatting with a sexologist and I said something like “The concept of ‘my first time’ is just an excuse and you find yourself with tons of funny stories”. And the lady sexologist said “No no, it’s very important and many people have a trauma and it’s something that gets stuck in your head and doesn’t let you think of anything else”.
Arús: Yeah, it’s true we never remember the second or the third time.
MA: Of course.
Arús: But we all remember the first.
MA: Exactly.

Vicky: Do you guys remember it? Or you have forgotten after reading so many first times?
MA: Well, after that many times that we have been asked the same question during the promotion of the play... yeah, we do.
Vicky: You “have to” remember it then?
MA: The question is always the same.
Vicky: And what’s the answer?
MA: The answer, you know what? It’s been so many times and you know, you end up saying “That’s it, the story is other people’s stories, written in the website”. If we had wanted to tell our first time, we would have written our own stories in the website.
Vicky: Haha, is it not written?
MA: No, it’s not. Mine is not written in it. His [pointing at Bart]... I don’t know.

Arús asks about copyrights. We have a lot of problems with that in Spain, so that’s why they joke about it. Then he asks about the not-so-funny first time stories, specially the one of a man who asked his sister to sleep with him so as not to die a virgin.

MA: We don’t know if it’s true, but the story is there, and they left it in the show. It was there when we got the script.

Then they talk about the staging. And then about the difference between Americans and Spaniards. Bart says Spaniards have a bigger sense of humour.

MA: Yeah, but it is also because we find it funny. It’s like everything we know, we can relate to it and we find it funnier.

Arús then shows two opinion polls about sex from two different newspapers. They say 82% of Spaniards complain that their sex could be “much better” and that 1 in 3 women fake orgasms. So then Vicky and Arús joke about it. There are 3 women on the set, so out of the 3 of them, one fakes. Vicky says she doesn’t fake and then points to Marian and goes “She is the actress”. Marian only laughs.

Bart: That is very sad.
MA: Look, the lady sexologist said that yesterday, damn it, I can’t remember her name, but she said very interesting things. She said that “nothing happens” when everything is normal, but when something is not normal then there is a problem. And one could say “oh, your first time, what a stupid thing”, and it’s a stupid thing if everything went all right and it was natural and all but if not, there is a lot of people who get traumas.

Then they talk about faking the first time and faking in general. Arús says faking is actually a time saver. Arús then asks if being a famous TV character helps to bring people to the play, because Bart is also on TV, in Física o Química, another Antena 3 production.

Arús: Well, that’s fine with Marian, cause she doesn’t watch TV! Don’t you watch Física o Química, Marian?
MA: I don’t watch Física y Química, sorry Física o Química, no…
Arús: You didn’t even watch Los Hombres de Paco!
MA: I didn’t watch… well, sometimes I did watch it! No, yeah... I watched it some random times. For example, with Al salir de clase they always asked me... I never watched it because I was shooting it! They showed it at lunch time, I could tape it but I didn’t have a... [Translator's comment: VHS? You didn’t own a VHS?]
Vicky: We have a doubt... The season finale of Los Hombres de Paco... that final song. Who the hell came up with it?
MA: The Mexican song?
Vicky: The Mexican song.
MA: What do you mean with “Who the hell came up with it?”
Vicky: It just doesn’t go with the moment!!
MA: But it’s not my fault!
Arús: We’re not saying it’s your fault, we’re asking who came up with the idea.
MA: It’s a very nice song, but I don’t know why they chose that one.
Arús &Vicky (start singing): Probablemente ya...
Monica: Right in the middle of the slaughter!
Arús: We’re big fans of Los Hombres de Paco. [...] So then you don’t know how the series are gonna follow now? Now that you’re dead.
MA: Well, but maybe there are surprises...
Vicky: You’re not dead?
Arús: You’re not dead!!?
MA: I am dead! I am dead! I swear!
Arús: Marian Aguilera slash Silvia, are you dead or not?
MA: I am dead.
Arús: Okay.
Vicky: You are definitely dead?
Monica: This is starting to look like Lost! The dead come alive!
MA: Nah.

Then he asks Bart about his series, which we absolutely do not care about.

Arús: And with Marian we have enjoyed priceless scenes... I myself confess to be a fan of Los hombres de Paco because of your kissing scenes. Don’t know what to say!
MA: Wouldn’t have guessed it!
Arús: Was it hard to shoot these lesbian scenes?
MA: Nope.
Bart: Well, with Laura Sánchez... what can you say!
Monica: I think you guys wish you were one of the two!
Bart: Laura is from Huelva, like me.
MA: The truth is it was really cool that she joined the show.
Arús: Really?
MA: Yeah, for everything. She’s a very nice and cheerful girl, and with this strong lively character.
Arús: And is it true what other actors from LHDP said that the atmosphere was awesome both in the set and outside?
MA: Yeah, we have a good relationship. They always say “we have a good group atmosphere” but it’s actually hard to have a bad atmosphere, there has to be someone to break it... but normally all casts have a good relationship, we’re all normal people.
Arús: They also commented they organised soccer games and everything.
MA: Yeah, that’s true. I never went to any of them but...
Arús: Not even as a cheerleader?
MA: No. But it’s true, normally we all have a good relationship. You spend many hours together.
Arús: Marian does not remember this, but her first job was with me. Because in La casa por la ventana, Lloll Beltrán was Paco Moran’s wife, and they were the Perifer family. And they had a kid, the Perifer boy. The Perifer boy had a girlfriend, and now that I’m saying this, she remembers it – the Perifer boy’s girlfriend was Marian Aguilera. But you were really young. You might have been 8 or so! [Translator's comment: This must be a very old show because I can’t even recall it]
MA: Very, very young.
Arús: So ever since you were a kid, you knew you wanted to be an actor, and your parents knew that too.
MA: Yes, in that moment I guess.
Arús: It changed later?
MA: No, but you know, at that age, you change your mind so many times, and you make so many decisions, and take many roads... And I ended up here.

Arús asks Bart about his story, which, again, we absolutely do not care about.

Vicky: And you are a candidate to the Fotogramas de Plata, no?
Arús: We should congratulate you, you are one of the three finalists. Can you see yourself with the Fotogramas [Translator's note: meaning if she thinks she’ll win it]?
MA: It’s an award where people vote for, pretty much like everything, what a dufus I am.
Arús: Well no, sometimes they just take the name out of a hat.
MA: Well I think they [feminine] are really into it, and I have many female fans because of the Pepa and Silvia story, and I know how it is... Even friends of mine, they love coming to the set, they’re also coming to the theatre, I know there are groups on the internet... There are many of them [feminine]. Well then, maybe thanks to them, I can get the Fotogramas de Plata. It would be really nice.
Arús: You can put it on top of your fridge. Looks really nice.

And in the end they talk about the timetables of the play.

MA: And we have an extra one on Saturdays at six thirty. Or at six. I don’t know. People should come around quarter to six, and if the play is at six thirty, they should have a beer in the cafeteria.

Special Lecture: Silvialogy 1x03

LHDP 1x03
La Mentira (The Lie)

By Drs. Pied Piper and Bekelauer

(If you want to watch the episode without downloading it, the link is at the end of the post. The screencaps are purely blog candy and may or may not correspond to the narrative)

In lieu of my first girl kiss lecture, I'm posting this episode where Silvia's character made its maiden LHDP appearance. Trust me, this is much more interesting than that story. We didn't really bother with the rest of the story lines, so shoot us.  Also, Sivia looks gorgeous in red.
 

Everyone is in the briefing room wearing their formal police blues. Don Lorenzo is at the podium. Lucas and Mariano are snickering like little girls.

DL: We are very proud to finally inaugurate our own scientific unit, with one of the most modern equipments in ballistics, DNA testing and autopsies, which will allow us to be much more efficient in fighting…
Lucas: Let’s see who’s the cocksucker they send us.
Don Lorenzo: This unit will be run by Inspector Silvia Castro León
Lucas: Fuck’s sake!

The heavens parted and out walks Her Hotness wearing her oversized uniform. She throws The Look at Lucas, kinda like saying, "I'm here, so suck it".

Later on, the Pacos are mingling when in walks Silvia. We see the dynamics between her and Lucas.

Mariano: Laugh…
Paco: Congratulations, Silvia.
Silvia: Thanks, Paco.
Paco: I had no idea.
Silvia: I wanted it to be a surprise. [Turns to give Mariano a hug] What’s up, Mariano?
Mariano: Hello.
Silvia: How you doing?
Mariano: Well, you can see.
Silvia: Yeah, I see. [Turns to face Lucas]  Hi Lucas.

Lucas: Hi Silvia.

Paco wants to give the 2 exes some space so he nudges a very dense Mariano.

Paco: Mariano, are you hungry?
Mariano: No…
Paco: Mariano…
Mariano: Oh, fuck, yeah, I’m starving… Let’s go.

Silvia: How you doing?
Lucas: Fine, fine, fine, I’m doing fine. You?
Silvia: Brilliant. After the divorce everything went better. Much, much better.
Lucas: Of course, it couldn’t get any worse. But you know, you get divorced and that’s what happens: you lose the house, the coffeemaker, the sofa… But you know what they say, freedom is expensive.
Silvia: For me, the expensive thing was the therapy to get over it.
Lucas: Sure. And you’re still… in our… in the house?
Silvia: Yes, I’m still in the house. I burned down the bed and bought a new one, but I’m still there.
Lucas: It’s a pity eh? It was a very comfy bed.
Silvia: For a fact. You and your little friend loved it.
Lucas: Well, thanks to my little friend something interesting happened on that bed.
Quique: Excuse me, Doctor Castro, we just got a call. They found a dead man, there’s something weird about it…
Silvia: Okay, I'm going to change and… we’re gonna get started.

Is it I, or is Lucas a little bitter about the divorce? Remember, he got a jillion pesetas from his father when he got married, so he's not exactly broke. Asswipe!

Silvia's oversized vest

Silvia's first case as Medical Examiner is conveniently located in the same complex where Lola, Paco, and Bernarda live.

Silvia: Who found the body?
Quique: His son. He saw his dad had not opened the newsstand. He came to the house and found him… stiff.
Silvia: Are you all right, Gallardo?
Quique: Yes, it’s just psoriasis, I get ulcers and eczema and I’m allergic to antihistamine drugs… Doctor, the raised periscope [he’s referring to the corpse’s erect penis], is it normal?
Silvia: Yeah, it happens sometimes. It’s normal.

The nosy neighbors arrive to see what's going on. Wait, those nosy neighbors are actually Lola, Concha, and Bernarda.

Lola: Hey, sister… Silvia. Tss, Silvia. What happened? Did he die or they killed him?
Silvia: It doesn’t really look like they killed him. I think he had a heart attack after having sexual intercourse. His heart could not take it and he did not make it.
Lola: Have you seen Lucas?
Silvia: Yes, I’ll tell you later.

Nice to have your sister's flat next to the crime scene so you can always drop by.

Sara: Silvia!
Silvia: Hi!
Sara: Hey, what are you doing here? The whole family together! Did they take away the stiff? Hey, what was it? A murder?

Silvia: Hey, you’re far too interested! Well, it could be a negligent homicide or an accident. But the thing is that there was somebody else in the house, and that might imply a charge of non-assistance to a person in danger.
Sara: I’m sure you’ll find out, you’re the best.
Silvia: Of course.
Lola: Go and get your aunt a coffee.
Sara: Okay. Hey… what about your boyfriend? When are we gonna meet him?
Silvia: When are we gonna meet yours?

After Sara leaves, Lola proceeds to give her sister the 3rd degree.

Lola: So… How was your day?
Silvia: Fine.
Lola: How was it with Lucas?
Silvia: With Lucas, fine. As usual.
Lola: So, not fine. It’s just… Who the hell would think of going to work to the same precinct as him? You’re putting your head in the lion’s mouth, Silvia. You’ll see.
Silvia: Look, Lola, I’ve been in therapy for a year, and I’m telling you that I couldn’t care less about Lucas’ life [Translator's note: Literally “resbalar” means “to slip” – kinda like “Lucas’ life slips through me”, literally]. Yeah, even if he’s with someone, because he is, isn’t he? [Translator's comment: This is the same tone and question she uses with Pepa when they broke up!!]
Sara (with cup of coffee): No!

[phone rings]

Silvia: Hello? Dad? But are they all right? Cool, I’ll be right there.
Lola: Hey, did something happen to Paco?
Silvia: They have been assaulted, but they’re fine. I’ll call you when I’m there. Don’t you worry, Lola!

Silvia and Gonzalo are at the accident scene with Paco, Lucas, and Mariano. Actually, it wasn't an accident as much as the 3 of them beating each other up over what to do with the bars of cocaine they confiscated.

Silvia: Are you all right?
Paco: Yes, yes we are.
Silvia: Have they examined you?
Mariano: Who? [Translator's note: This plays with the double meaning of the verb “reconocer”, that can be either “to examine (a patient)” or “to recognize (a corpse, a murderer, etc)”]
Silvia: The nurse.
Lucas: We’re pure dead fucking brilliant [Translator's reaction: I couldn’t help it haha!]. Thanks for asking.
Paco: It’s just… everything happened so fast, you know? And violently, violently…
Silvia: Well, with the amount of bullet shells around it’s a miracle you’re still alive.
Lucas: So we are.
Montoya: Go get a patrol car and go get some rest. We’ll go through it tomorrow.
Lucas: Okay.
Paco: Okay, okay.

They come home to Lola's and Paco's for dinner. Silvia's new boyfriend, Márquez, is also there to meet the family.

Lola: For the love of God, what the hell happened to you? I was worried the whole afternoon. Are you all right, honey? Does it hurt, sweetie?
Paco: No, it doesn’t hurt, honey. Only if I wink at you, babe.
Lola: Eh, eh, eh… this is Márquez. Silvia’s boyfriend.
Márquez: Hi!
Paco: Hello.
Lola: Eh, Paco, Paco, Paco.
Márquez: Hi Paco, nice to meet you.
Lola: Mariano… and Lucas.
Márquez: Oh, hi, so you’re the famous Lucas. I’ve heard a lot about you. Nice to meet you.

Silvia's dagger look

The dinner scene is hoot.

Lucas: Well, enjoy while you still can, cause your time is running out. She prohibited me to drink beer in the house six months after we got married. And three months later, she prohibited me to cut my nails sitting on the couch [Translator's smart ass comment: For fuck’s sake, Lucas, cutting your nails outside the bathroom? Dirty, piggy boy!!!]
Márquez: Well, I don’t really care about that because I don’t drink at all. Maybe just a glass of white wine at weddings. You know, honey?
Lola: And what do you do?

Márquez: Toothpicks. I make toothpicks. It’s a family business. Yes, my grandfather started it and now I’m running it. [Translator's note: This will earn him the name “palillero”, which means “toothpick maker” pretty much, but that has a derogatory sense, as it sounds awfully like “pajillero”, which literally means “wanker” or "jerkoff". It is also derogatory because they use it to highlight that he’s got a ridiculous job – making toothpicks does sound ridiculous]
Lucas: Toothpicks? Interesting. Hey, I’ve always had a doubt: which ones are better, the round ones or the flat ones? [Translator's comment: I don’t know how it works in the rest of the world, but these are the two kinds of toothpicks you can get in Spain.  Piper's comment to Translator's comment: We don't use toothpick, we use dental floss.  Easier on your gums]

Silvia [in her head]: Fucking bastard!
Márquez: Well, there’s not one opinion about it, that’s the truth. But I don’t want to annoy you with it.
Everyone: No, no, no.
Lucas: Go ahead.
Silvia: No, honey, we don’t want to hear a dissertation about the toothpick world, babe.
Lucas: I prefer them flat, hands down.
Silvia [in her head]: Son of a bitch!!
Márquez: Well yes and no. If you want me, I’ll tell you. And if I annoy you, just tell me.

Don Lorenzo [in his head]: Serious and with his own business. Finally, let’s see if she settles down [Translator's note: Funny because the Spanish expression “sentar la cabeza” literally means “to sit down one’s head”]. Toothpicks are as useful as anything else.
Mariano [in his head]: My God, the cocaine hanging there in the closet and the captain here chatting away about toothpicks, fuck… If we get away with this one I’ll walk the Camino de Santiago in my flip flops.
Márquez: With oak wood or pine… But I don’t want to annoy you, seriously. Well, do you know how we earn our living, us the toothpick businessmen?
Lola: No.

Silvia [in her head]: Fuck, no, the “paluegos” joke… [Translator's note: “Paluego” does not exist. It’s a contraction of “para luego” meaning “for later”]
Márquez: From the paluegos… From the bits of food left in between your teeth and you leave for later [Translator's joke is lost in translation note: Insert “paluego” here]. No, now seriously, we’re trying to expand the business and get new products on stock. We’re thinking of making toothpicks from different sizes, from M to XL.
Mamá Concha [in her head]: This dude is dumber than my late husband. [Piper's note: "Late husband"???!!!! Unless she had another husband, Paco's father did not die until the following season? Enough for continuity.]
Sara [in her head]: How could Silvia exchange him for Lucas? Well, better for me… If I’m 15 and he’s 33, when I’m 18 he’ll be 36, it’s only twice my age…
Lucas: Hey, have you not thought of making toothpicks for lefties?
Márquez: Ha, good one, Lucas, good one. You almost got me there… You jackass!

After dinner, Lola and Mama Concha are cleaning up while Silvia is hanging around, all pissed at Lucas.

Silvia: Yes, sure, now I’m sure that Lucas wants to open a toothpick factory, fuck it! No, Lola, no! He was winding him up, he was laughing of him in my face!
Lola: Grudge, again, Silvia? Look, you either control your grudge or the grudge controls you. No, Silvia, no, you are obsessed with the thing. Lucas has been very nice and Márquez… well, he just got stuck with the toothpick thing. Even though I think he’s very charming…
Silvia: Well he is very charming indeed, why do you think I’m with him? [Piper's comment: Because you needed rebound boy?]  Because he takes care of me, he worries about me, and he loves me, and those are things Lucas doesn’t have a fucking clue about. The only thing he knows how to do is to fuck about and inflict pain, he’s a fucking bastard.
Lola: Hey, if you’re gonna start getting paranoid, we call it quits.
Silvia: Paranoid? Me?

Lola: Yes, you, the paranoid. You start thinking about things and get obsessed with them and you get stuck. You know, you lost your mind and can’t find it anymore. And that’s because you’re consumed by the doubt of the woman you saw in Lucas’ shower. Let’s see when you get over that.
Silvia: I am already over that, just so you know!
Lola: If you go ahead with this comecome [Translator's note: Here meaning “paranoia” or “obsession”] you’re not gonna be able to rebuild your life and you’re not gonna let anyone live.
Silvia: I have no comecome.
Lola: Ah, there’s no comecome? There’s no comecome? Let’s check it out... Get off. You’ll see. Get off! Sister, stop it or I’ll be very mad! Tss. [Gets Silvia’s purse and takes out a small evidence plastic bag]. I see how you’re over it, eh? You are dead divine, sister, better than ever!

Concha: And that… What’s that?
Lola: This… This is the evidence my sister here found in her husband’s adultery scene. A hair and an earring nut.
Concha: I’d say your shrink is swindling you.
Lola: So then, why haven’t you throw this away? Eh, why?
Silvia: Because I don’t ever want to forget that Lucas fucked up my marriage.
Lola: And wasn’t it already fucked up? Have you thought about it, sister?

[Silvia's phone rings]

Silvia: Hello? Are you sure? Yeah, something does not fit, that for sure. Yeah, all evidences show that.

Silvia goes outside to take the call. Bernarda is at the crime scene trying to break into the aparment because she was having sex with dead guy when he croaked. She thinks Silvia was going to arrest her. Awesome scene.

Bernarda [in her head]: That’s it, they already figured it out. And now she catches me here, with my hands in the cookie jar, in the crime scene.
Silvia: Yeah, I guessed there was something wrong from the very beginning. I don’t know how I’m gonna tell them.
Bernarda [in her head]: They know, they know it was me who fucking killed him [Translator's note: Literally. “killed him by sex exhaustion”… “polvo” means “a fuck”] and showed no mercy. Life sentence for homicide.
Silvia (still talking on the phone): Okay, okay.
Bernarda [in her head]: And she’s gonna read me my rights. I’m sleeping in jail tonight. God, I just hope they let me take an extra pair of knickers.
Silvia: See you, Bernarda.

Silvia goes back to the comisaria.

Paco: Hello? Tell me, Silvia.
Silvia: I’m sorry, I don’t want to ruin your dinner but they have revised the evidence and there are things that just don’t match, so I didn’t want it to get you by surprise. They’re gonna start an investigation.
Paco: Very well Very well. Because they always have to get to the heart of the problem. Good evening, Silvia. [Turns to Lucas and Mariano] We’re suspected. Suspected.

The following day, the 3 stooges arrive at the comisaria and see Silvia in Don Lorenzo's office. With a lie detector machine.

Lucas: Mariano, I’m gonna make you a tourniquet. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,… the lie detector. They’re gonna plug us to the fucking polygraph.
Mariano: Fuck’s sake, the lie detector. Shit, shit, I can’t lie, you can easily see it, I’m sure I'll get a palpitation and the machine starts beeping. Pipipipipi.
Paco: Come on, Mariano, fuck!

Silvia must be awfully gifted - she's even qualified to do lie detection!

Silvia: Mariano, are you always this sweaty?
Mariano: Yes, I am. I sweat a lot. I always sweat a lot. Not for anything in particular, I just sweat a lot. It’s natural, because I am this way. I sweat a lot, that’s why I’m sweating now.
Silvia: Have you ever been related to drug dealers?
Paco: Yes, I mean no, it depends. It depends on what you consider “to be related to”. If you take that as, for example, getting their fingerprints or handcuffing them or passing them some toilet tissue [Translator's reaction: Hahaha!!], then no. Or maybe yes. Or not, it depends.
Silvia: Did you inform anyone of the route you were gonna take?
Lucas: No.
Silvia: Have you ever been related to drug dealers?
Lucas: Never.
Silvia: Do you suspect of any of your colleagues?
Lucas: Of course not.
Silvia: Don’t you think they can betray you?
Lucas: No.
Silvia: Have you ever betrayed anyone?
Lucas: Never.
Silvia: That does not include me, cause you did cheat on me.
Lucas: What’s that about?
Silvia: That’s about me adjusting the detector. So don’t be pricksucker and answer. Did you cheat on me?
Lucas (hesitating): Yes.
Silvia: What’s wrong…? Did you cheat on me?
Lucas: Fuck, yes, I did cheat on you!
Silvia: You are lying to me! You did not cheat on me!
Lucas: For the love of God, tia, who the hell do you think you are? What kind of crap is this?

Silvia goes to Los Cachis to tell Lola all about the lie detector session with Lucas.

Bernarda: Silvia, hi! How you doing? Well, we’ll deal with that later, okay?
Lola: Yes. What can I get you, honey?
Silvia: Do you know that pig never cheated on me?
Lola: Ah, he didn’t?
Silvia: I’ve plugged him to the lie detector! And I caught him! He didn’t cheat on me with another woman!
Lola: Oh well, then, that’s better, isn’t it?
Silvia: Better? Do you not get it? He lied to me telling me he had cheated on me and that is a bigger lie!
Lola: But there’s something wrong about all this. Let’s see, didn’t you say you saw a woman in the shower?
Silvia: Yes!
Lola: And the hair? The earring nut?
Silvia: Yeah, but the lie detector does not lie. I don’t know who was in the shower, but he didn’t cheat on me with her.
Lola: Well, then he didn’t cheat on you with the girl in the shower, end of story.
Silvia: Don’t you get what’s going on, Lola? That shitty coward… I thought I had left him, but now it turns out he left me!!
Lola: But, why do you care?
Silvia: Well, I care, I care, how couldn’t I care? It’s the story of my life. It’s MY life.
Lola: But let’s see, your life now, isn’t Márquez? Or not? Because you love Márquez, don’t you?
Silvia: Of course I love Márquez, of course I do. This is nonsense! Sorry, I don’t know why I got so worked up. Maybe it’s my period or something [Translator's comment: Haha the universal excuse!]. Do you have a paracetamol?
Lola: Not here, but Sara is upstairs.

Silvia goes to see Sara in her room to ask for some headache pill.

Sara: Well, I had a box of paracetamol around. I’m sure granny took it, she is quite an addict. She’s into preventive medicine: she takes half a box every morning, just in case.
[On Sara's computer screen: Man, I’m crazy about him, but I have to keep it a secret because if my parents find out, they’d kill me… He’s gorgeous and HAS A SUPER HOT TATTOOED ASS!]
Silvia: A forbidden relationship?
Sara: What?
Silvia: He’s got a super hot tattooed ass… How do you know he has a tattoo on his ass? Aren’t you going a little too fast with Mister Mysterious?
Sara: You must not read other people’s emails…
Silvia: Okay. You know I’m a little nosy, blame it on my job [Translator's note: “deformación profesional” is an expression to say that someone is one way or another because he/she’s got that from the job he/she does, noting some sort of obsession with it. It’s a word game with “Formación Profesional”, which is the alternative education for those who don’t want to go to university. “Deformación” is “distortion/deformation”]. Does he really have a tattoo on his ass? Do you know Lucas also has one?
Sara: Really? I didn’t know that. Well, stop it, okay?
Silvia: Okay, I’ll stop. Aw, I love those earrings, they’re so nice, eh?
Sara: Yeah, but I can’t wear them anymore because I lost the nut. Well, let me check if the pills are in the kitchen.

While Sara was out getting her drugs, Silvia takes out the earring nuts she found in the bathroom and thought it belonged to Lucas' paramour - and compared it to the earrings on Sara's desk.

Silvia [in her head]: No, it’s not possible, it’s just a nut. There are millions of nuts in the world. No, Silvia, don’t start.
Sara: They were in the kitchen.
Silvia: Thanks. I gotta go, I leave you with your emails.
Sara: Okay.
Silvia: Sara? Nothing. It was a stupid thing, sorry. Bye.
Sara: Bye.

Sometime later, Silvia is back at the crime scene and Las Mujeres de Lola are trying to get the scoop on dead Viagra guy.

Silvia: You really are nosy, eh? You really can’t hold it, can you?
Lola: Well you are used to this kind of stuff but it’s not common to us… Tell us, please.
Silvia: It’s nothing really, the judge ordered to re-seal the crime scene because the autopsy revealed new evidence. Hey, is Sara home?
Lola: Eh, yes, she is.
Silvia: And did she find out about Lucas?
Lola: Yeah, she found out. New good evidence or new bad evidence?
Silvia: Post-mortem injuries. A breastbone fissure. The judge thinks that the corpse could have been used in some sort of ritual.

Bernarda is mortified since she might have caused the injury - in the throes of passion, she didn't know dead guy was already, well, dead.

Silvia visits Lucas in the jail cell. I forgot what he was in for, but it was in connection to the drug bust.

Silvia: Wow. I hope you’re getting comfy here, Lucas. Maybe from now on you have to get used to sleeping behind bars.
Lucas: You’re really enjoying all this, are you not, Silvia?
Silvia: Me? Not really. It’s not nice to see how a person you have loved has turned into a corrupt cop and a drug dealer. You had many flaws, Lucas, but at least you were honest.
Lucas: I don’t know what kind of movie you just made yourself up, but I’ve done nothing wrong.
Silvia: And these bullet cases, do they not look familiar? No? Well they look familiar to me. They look suspiciously just like the ones from the gun I gave you in our first and only anniversary. In that waste ground I only found these bullet cases, and the ones from your police-issued weapons. Nobody assaulted you, Lucas. You either tell me what happened, or you get used to these bars. You and your friends. Are you going to tell me?
Lucas: I’m going to tell you what happened exactly. The day of the press conference, your dad caught me talking about you, and he decided we were to move the cocaine from point A to point B. […] I’m not going to tell you where the cocaine is, to protect my colleagues. Do you believe me?

Silvia: Why wouldn’t I believe you? You never lie, do you?
Lucas: No…
Silvia: No. Like you did when you told me you had slept with somebody else.
Lucas: Fuck… Don’t start with that, Silvia.
Silvia: Don’t start with that, Silvia? You made me believe you had cheated on me so I would break up with you. You’re a coward, Lucas. We could have given it another chance. Everything would have been different. Tell me what happened that night. I saw a woman in the shower, who was she? I want to know who she was. Are you not going to tell me?
Lucas: No.
Silvia: No… so nothing, then. Mariano, Paco and you have a foot in jail. And maybe I could help you out.
Lucas: Are you blackmailing me?
Silvia: If want to call it that…

Lucas: Are you going to screw over Paco and Mariano’s life because I don’t tell you a fucking story?
Silvia: Lucas, I only want to know why you threw away our relationship.
Lucas: Why don’t you move on already? You have rebuilt your life, you have a de-puta-madre boyfriend. Fuck’s sake, chica, take it easy and enjoy.
Silvia: Do you really think Márquez is de-puta-madre?
Lucas: Yes, I think he’s a nice guy, with good manners, responsible, charming… Everything I’m not. And I think he can give you what I didn’t. Because I think you already deserve it, Silvia.
Silvia: That was nice.
Lucas: It came out without thinking.

They were about to kiss... when Sara comes in.

Sara: Sorry, I only came to bring you this. Well, I’m off.
Silvia: No, don’t go. Hey, are you meeting the mysterious boy?
Sara: Yes, he’s waiting for me.
Silvia: Do you know she’s got a boyfriend? And he must be a nasty piece of work, because he even has a tattoo, what do you think?
Lucas: What do you think? I think she’s too young to have a boyfriend.
Silvia: No, look, she’s already a little woman, are you not? See when you introduce him to us.
Sara: I’m meeting him this afternoon, if you want I’ll introduce you then. I’m off.
Silvia (turning back to Lucas): You sure you have nothing to tell me?
Lucas: Look, Silvia, do whatever you have to do.

Later on, Don Lorenzo tells them that they are exonerated.

Don Lorenzo: What is this?
Silvia: The ballistics dossier. The bullet cases found in the waste ground match one of the firearms that we confiscated from the drug dealers. That confirms Paco, Lucas and Mariano’s version of the story. The dealers assaulted them and they stole the cocaine they were transporting. Well, and these are the polygraph results and Lucas’ second drug test, both negative. For me, this case is closed.
Don Lorenzo: Hold that. Give it to internal affairs. You, what the hell are you doing there? I want an exhaustive report on what just happened, understood? So now clear off from my office! Out!
Paco: Thanks, thanks very much Don Lorenzo. I’m going to interrogate the motherfuckers and…
Don Lorenzo: Clear off, you goose! What the hell was I thinking by bringing these clumsy bastards to my precinct? I’m on my nerves, I’m losing my hair, I got dandruff… What’s the name of that shampoo we had at home, daughter? Go get it for me, please…

Lucas sees Silvia walking down the steps. He comes to thank her.

Lucas: Ehmm… Thanks.
Silvia: For what?
Lucas: About the bullets, and the bullet cases… Thanks for that.
Silvia: Are you suggesting I manipulate evidence from a case?
Lucas: No, not at all. But if I can do anything for you…
Silvia: Well, now you should mention it… First, I need your gun so I can put it with the guns we confiscated from the dealers…
Lucas: And second?
Silvia: Who was she? I need to know.
Lucas: I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, I would have already told you, but it’s not my secret.

In a flashback scene, we see that Sara was actually the woman in the shower. She came to Lucas when she had a fight with her father. Silvia lets herself into their apartment and sees a sleeping Lucas.

Silvia: Lucas… Lucas, I’m sorry. I have been thinking. I think we can give ourselves a second chance. Please.

Silvia heard the water and realized Lucas was not alone.  She went to the bathroom and saw a female silhoutte in the shower.  She ran out before Lucas could say anything

To throw Silvia off her scent, Sara "hires" Coque, Bernarda's son, to play her boyfriend. I was hoping for guilt as the driving factor, but we all know that Sara is a sociopath.

Sara: Look, this is Silvia, the one I’ve told you so much about. And this is Coque, my boyfriend.
Lola: Your what?
Sara: Wait in the lounge, I’ll be right there.
Coque: I’ll be waiting for you, little pussy [Translator's comment: Yes, I thought the same. You don’t call your fake girlfriend “little pussy” in front of her mother unless you want to die a slow painful death]. See you there, oldies.
Lola: But what,… but… but… That kinky is your boyfriend? I’m going to talk to your father. Get off my way, you’re going to regret this, young lady
Sara: I told you my parents were not going to like him.
Silvia: I think he is fine, he’s handsome and he’s your age. I was worrying about you.
Sara: Why?
Silvia: It’s nothing, I’m a bit of a paranoid. Let’s go talk to him.

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Piper's commentary:
Now that the new season is upon us, we would like to take the time to remember Silvia, and to remind ourselves of how much she meant to the show.  In this episode, we learn several important things about her that would help us later on navigate the uncharted waters of PepSiLand:

• Silvia and Lucas were married, and it didn't end well.  In retrospect, we now know how much Pepa meant to her, for her to give marriage one more try.  She was burned pretty badly, mostly by her own demons and insecurities, and by her sociopath of a niece (aided and abetted by Lucas, of course).  And to trust enough that this time, things would be different, simply shows how much she loved Pepa, and how much Pepa helped her to live and love again.
• And Silvia loved Sara unconditionally.  Very much.  Sara was the least deserving person in the world, especially after she broke her aunt's marriage.  But in the end, it is especially poignant that Silvia took the bullet meant for Sara.  Because once again, Sara's sociopathic romance problems got in the way of Silvia's happiness. Silvia loved Sara until death, and most importantly, she gave up her life so Sara could live happily ever after with Lucas (or break somebody else's marriage).
• Lola had Silvia's number.  She knew her little sister very well, and the bond between them was as strong as anything.  Probably because they lost their mother early, and with a cop for a father, they had to rely on each other to face the world.  Lola was the mother Silvia needed, Silvia tried her best to mother DL, and Sara was the unfortunate recipient of all these displaced familial affections.
• Silvia was always awesome at her work. But she's even more awesome when you have her in your corner.  She would lie, cheat, and steal for you, like she did for Lucas.  But she did not give her loyalty blindly - somehow, she always knew where the right side of the law was, even if the lines were as gray as anything.  Her uncanny sense of justice and fairness carried her through the moral clusterfuck of San Antonio.
• LHDP was funny once. And it was sweet.  It might have been morally confused and a cesspool of human frailties, but it was funny.  And sweet.

And because Pepa loved Silvia as much as she did, I think we owe it to her to watch this upcoming season.  It will be painful, and our hearts will shatter again, but as Silvia's sexy ghost said, we only have to know where to look. For me, these early episodes have helped me tremendously to understand why she died when she did.  In real life, it would have been alright, it would have been acceptable.  But this is not real life.  They could have done better.

So once again, fuck you, Alex TinyPenis Pina.